Always More to Life
by DrNikiReid
Summary: A 23 year old genius joins the team and Reid finds something he never knew he wanted. Then when everything seems to be going right will a case hit so close to home the team can't recover? Reid/O.C. Hotch/Emily est. Morgan/Garcia Rossi/Strauss possible
1. Prologue

**Prologue: Angel wings**

**Song: What I've Done by Linkin Park**

_In this farewell_  
_There's no blood_  
_There's no alibi_  
_'Cause I've drawn regret_  
_From the truth_  
_Of a thousand lies_

_So let mercy come_  
_And wash away_  
_What I've done_

_I'll face myself_  
_To cross out what i've become_  
_Erase myself_  
_And let go of what i've done_

_Put to rest_  
_What you thought of me_  
_While I clean this slate_  
_With the hands of uncertainty_

Even if I had known it would be this way, I wouldn't have changed it. Not if it meant protecting them. Even as I slipped into blackness, I had no regrets. It felt heavy, like I couldn't move, like I couldn't breathe. I screamed in pain, yet I didn't know why. Why was I in this basement? Why was I screaming? Who was this man standing over me? Who was I? Who was the face I kept seeing in my mind's eye? Reid. If I knew nothing, if I lost everything, I would still know that face. I would know the voice, the smell, the taste, those eyes. I would never forget him. The blackness didn't seem so heavy, I could feel my body moving. I was numb, I could feel nothing. The blackness was so life-like. It was real, tangible, like the angel wings I rode. The blackness was so welcoming, it was whispering to me. It carried me through on the backs of angels towards a better place. A face emerged in the blackness, a ghostly figure. He beckoned and for the fist time in eternity I felt peace. Faintly I could hear yelling.

"Stay with me. Don't you leave. We need you. Come on. Come on."

The voice sounded so sad. Why were people upset? What was wrong? the angel-figure was my friend. There were white translucent children in the black. They were laughing, signing while they danced. I called out in merriment, I wanted to join. It looked like such fun. The ghostly figure stopped me, guiding me up to where the blackness grew lighter, where green forest punctured white expanses. Live, live. The forest whispered to me. I was vaguely aware my body was moving. Who was moving me? The blackness started to grow thinner. I could make out shapes, colours. I saw chocolate, strength. Morgan. A flash of black hair and cream skin, calm. Emily. White, pale, pure. JJ. Dark smudged figures hovered on the edges of my consciousness. Nothing else registered in my head. Blinding white light. It burned, I couldn't see even if I wanted to. How long had I been down there? How long had reality been hell and the normality of my world tipped upside down? Flashing blue and red lights brought a strange sense of comfort. Where was I? I didn't know. I didn't care. I was holding onto the face I could see in my eyes. He was burned into my retinas. Even as the blackness gained control and I felt myself slipping again. Reid. The electricity pumped through my body, making me feel synthetically alive. The blackness faded, the walls all around me looked so white. Dark figured were touching me almost as if they had to hold me together, talking in loud voices that perveded my comfortable silence. A large brown body leaned over me, touching my cheek. I could feel my body. The wall of pain hit me like a truck and every part of me ached, burned. How was it possible to feel this much pain? I left my conciousness again, not the blackness that was death or the white that was life but a vicious red light that cut me out of the pain. I was so tired of fighting, I sunk into blissfull unawareness without a second thought.

**_A/N_**

_Very short epilogue to start of an awesome story_

_Will update every few days. R&R, good or bad but i would really appreciate constructive criticisms or praise. If you want to flame it then tell me WHY you want to flame it so I can improve. Thanks! *^_^*_


	2. Chapter 1: Officially Americanized

**Chapter 1: Officialy Americanized**

Taking a step into the unknown, a small step, a big step, a baby step is always thrilling, always terrifying, always hard, always glorious and always better than walking the beaten track.

**Nikita Kostaschuk**

**Song: The Escapist by Coldplay**

_And, In the end_

_We lie awake_

_And we dream of making our escape..._

Getting on the plane, I was giving up everything I had ever known; My family, my friends, my job, my university where I had gotten two masters degrees, warm afternoons in humid bedrooms, the place where I had been raised, my whole world. I was getting on a fourteen hour flight from Brisbane, Australia, to California, America. I had won a scholarship grant to go to the California Institute of Technology, studying my doctorate in Forensic Psychology and my doctorate in Criminology. My one dream was to work in the FBI, but I had to wait until I was 23. At 19, I was nearly there, and I couldn't wait. When they asked me who my role models were in my acceptance interview, I knew exactly what to say: Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison and Dr. Spencer Reid. As soon as I mentioned Dr. Reid, their faces light up and I almost sensed that this was meant to be.

Four years later…

My American citizenship is finalized! This meant that I was now completely and utterly able to do everything I had ever wanted! Don't you love it when that all works out? I was getting on a four hour flight to Quantico, in the state of Virginia. From there I was to catch a cab to my new apartment and head to the FBI headquarters to apply for a job. After all these years of waiting I was finally ready. As I entered my new apartment, I started to get ready to go to the FBI headquarters. No time to waste when applying for such a high profile job. I put on my suit, zipped up my Docs and I did my hair and makeup. While I was in the cab, a small part of me said was it worth all this for a job? Losing my Australian world, now my small world in California, four hours of no in flight entertainment, hunger due to bad airplane food and nearly no sleep and yet it did not seem to put a dent in my exhilarated mood. This wasn't just any job, it was what I had wanted my whole life, a job as a forensic psychologist and profiler for the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit. I hadn't really considered what I would do if I didn't get in, as failing wasn't an option for me. I wasn't really in a financial position where I could wait very long before I got a job. I could go into research, but honestly, ugh, I don't like lab work.

I walked professionally to the office of the Section Chief Erinn Straus, smoothing my jacket before entering the office. Photographs of her family hung everywhere with strategically placed magazines and paraphernalia. She wasn't what I had expected. I thought of a tall, stately woman with a hard face from years of field experience. What I saw was a plump, aging blonde woman who really needed a make over and a new wardrobe. We were polar opposites. She was wearing a thin cream wool dress with short cropped blonde hair and high heels. I had hip length dark blonde hair; I was wearing a suit with skirt ensemble and Doc Marten boots carrying a black Coco Chanel handbag. I wasn't rich by a long shot, making my way through university on scholarships and small trust funds, but I dressed upper class. I wore gold earrings in my ears, a jade bracelet I'd picked up in Thailand and a gold charm bracelet watch. My suit was Gucci that looked genuine, but I had again picked it up for a bargain. My hand bag and sunglasses were genuine Coco Chanel and I loved them to bits and pieces and had bought them in Thailand. I travelled a lot as a kid, my dad always booking some holiday or another. I have visited America, Canada, Thailand, The Philippines, Italy, New Zealand, Brunei, Egypt and England. I loved going on holidays, but most of the time I lug a dozen textbooks with me and study. I recently bought an apartment in an upper class sort of area right near work for convenience. I didn't have a car, I didn't want one and I was quite used to taking public transport. The only source of income I had right now was what my parents gave me, as I didn't work a job yet. I have, however, a heap saved up in the bank from part time jobs I worked during university. My Doc Martens were expensive, but totally worth it, and they were barely scratched even though I had owned them for nearly 10 years. Taking a deep breath I sat down in one of those plush leather chairs that all the bosses have.

In this life, we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.

**Mother Teresa**


	3. Chapter 2: Who are you?

**Chapter 2: Who are you?**

She walks in beauty, Like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies; And all that's best of dark and bright. Meet in her aspect and her eyes.  
**Byron **

**_Song: Misery Buisness by Paramore_**

_I'm in the business of misery,_  
_Let's take it from the top._  
_She's got a body like an hourglass, it's ticking like a clock._  
_It's a matter of time before we all run out,_  
_When I thought he was mine she caught him by the mouth._

_I waited eight long months,_  
_She finally set him free._  
_I told him I couldn't lie he was the only one for me._  
_Two weeks and we caught on fire,_  
_She's got it out for me,_  
_But I wear the biggest smile._

_Whoa, whatever makes you brag_  
_But I got him where I want him now._  
_Whoa, it was never my intention to brag_  
_To steal it all away from you now._  
_But God does it feel so good,_  
_Cause I got him where I want him now._  
_And if you could then you know you would._  
_It's gonna just feel so..._  
_It just feels so good._

"Hello, I am Nikita Kostaschuk. I was told to see you about the opening in the BAU. This is my CV" I said handing her a subtle black folder from my bag.

"You understand this is a field where only the most experienced and brightest are hired. Three years of experience in the FBI is usually required" She said, flipping open my resume and reading through it.

"Yes ma'm and as you may see, I fit the criteria of being most experienced and the brightest. I was hoping a waiver could be considered on the three years rule when you consider me for the position"

After what seems like an eternity she closed the folder and handed it back to me. "I am going to refer you to Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner to conduct an interview and let me know whether he believes you would be suitable for placement in his team." She said picking up the phone and dialing his office. "This is Erinn Straus, and I'm sending you over an applicant for the open position. Conduct an interview and make a decision. I'm considering a waiver on the three year rule if you recommend her for the job" She hung up the phone. "Agent Hotchner will see you in his office now, third floor, and first office on the second level."

At least I'm this far I thought to myself. I walked through glass doors and looked for the office of the agent. I spotted the name plate on the door and hurried to it. Suddenly a team of agents, my hopefully future work mates, were looking my way as I knocked on his door. A young cute guy leaned over to a dark hot guy and asked him something in an undertone. The black man smirked and said something back. I realized then that the young one must be Dr. Reid and I had to resist squeeing and jumping up and down.

"Oh my, I think I just died and went to heaven" murmured Reid to Morgan.

"Smoking" said Morgan as he smirked "Rich too" he noted.

I was then admitted into Agent Hotchner's office. He was definitely what I expected. There was an air of authority to him, and his hard features reflected the seriousness of his job.

"Can I help you?" he asked as I sat on one of the black leather seats.

"I am the applicant that the Section Chief sent over to you for an interview." I said matter-of-factly as I handed him the black folder.

Hotch quickly read over the folio, flicked through it quickly and got up and stepped out the door. So maybe Hotch was a romantic at heart, something he didn't admit to very often and only Emily knew, but this opportunity seemed too much to pass up. Putting two geniuses in a room and watching the sparks fly. Besides, thinking logically, there may be questions about Nikita that only Reid would think to ask.

"Reid, I need you to interview this applicant with me" Reid got up and prayed to whatever gods existed that this went well. He took the C.V. from Hotch, entered the room and sat in Hotch's other interview chair. Hotch sat in his.

"Dr. Reid" he introduced himself nervously and overly formally.

"Dr. Nikita Kostaschuk" I said, just as nervous. "Call me Nikita"

"Spencer" he spent about 30 seconds reading through her C.V., including her victim report and psych eval.

"Dr. Reid will be sitting in on this interview. Continue what you were saying before."

"Ah, okay then. I hold a doctorate from California University of Technology in forensic psychology specializing in psychological profiling and investigative psychology, a doctorate in criminology majoring in crime statistics and criminal profiling, my bachelors and masters degrees from Bond University in Australia. I find I specialize in violent crime, as this is the area that I have the most experience in. I am competent at all areas of psychological profiling and criminal psychology and I wrote my thesis on micro expressions in criminal interviews and this, as well as geographical profiling, are a few of my fortes. I am a dual citizen now of America and Australia and previous to my American citizenship I held a Canadian citizenship. I am fluent in English, French, Australian sign language and American sign as well as Amslan. I can read hieroglyphics, but I'm not sure that will be useful in this career" I chuckled lightly.

Agent Hotchner seemed to look at me with a new perspective and smiled slightly before returning to reading my CV.

"So tell me, Nikita, why the FBI's BAU? I'm sure a practical woman of your intelligence could find much higher paying jobs in Australia." He asked with genuine interest.

I took a deep breath before answering, knowing my whole future hung in the balance here.

"Working in the BAU is where I belong. It's where my academic interests lie, what I'm good at and what I have my heart set on. I'm extremely experienced in this field as I've wanted to be here since I was fourteen."

"Is there some reason why you have completed this many university degrees and can speak that many languages and be only 23?" Reid spoke for the first time

"A lot of hard work, dedication and a commitment to studying and not partying as much as some. I have a genius IQ of 165 so that speeded the process. I was reading and writing before preschool, and I was accelerated after Grade 1 and went straight to Grade 3. I completed my doctorates in a shortened period of time because I did more classes every semester than other students and went to summer school, I participated in Student Council in university and I worked 14-18 hours a week to pay for food, board and the like. Can you speak sign?" I addressed a question to Reid.

"Standard American"

"Awesome"

"Have you ever heard of Dr. Spencer Reid before now?" Hotch interrupted

"He is one of my role models as is mentioned on page 2 of my C.V."

"I see" a small lifting of the edges of his lips showed he was smiling (sort of) and Spencer looked shocked. "Tell me about yourself. Then explain to me why you are a better candidate for this job than any of the other, more experienced applicants."

"I was born on August 9th 1986 and raised in a small town just outside of Brisbane. My family consists of my mother, father and little brother. In primary school and high school I was an over achiever and extremely involved in extracurricular activities. In high school I was in my school's debating team and we won the Queensland finals in year 11 and 12. I never really liked physical activity, but then I started doing Tai Kwon Do and Yoga to improve my flexibility and fitness for this job and my outlook changed. I am an extrovert, and I'm not afraid to stand up for what I believe in. I am a Christian and send regular updates about my life in America to my church community. I never really fit in until about Grade 9-10 and even then a lot of my friends are as quirky as me. I was the victim of a violent and abusive boyfriend when I was in first year university, but he was arrested for the murder and rape of 20 girls who bared a striking resemblance to me. You'll find the medical report and the results of my psych eval in the back sleeve of my CV." He nodded slightly and the nerves started to get to me, even though I have spoken in front of hundreds before. Reading his facial expressions, I could find no inclination that he was considering me or not. "My favorite colors are black and purple, I never go anywhere without my Doc Martens and my favorite foods are burritos and chicken fried with bamboo. I have a slight paranoia about my safety, as you will see in the psych eval. I function effectively on three hours of sleep, and on no more than five to seven. I have read all of Shakespeare's work and I love to read classics. My hobbies are playing chess, 'go' and mancarla, Tai Kwon Do and Yoga and I enjoy extreme sports like dirt biking and I also love hiking and trekking. I have written books under the pen name Isabella Wright and singing is another thing I have a passion for. I enjoy travelling and backpacking, and as is mentioned spent a large amount of my holidays traveling the globe. I read case files online and have read all of Agent Rossi's work, and I have read every paper Dr. Reid has ever written. I have an eidetic memory, and read approximately 10,000 words a minute. All I _want_ is a chance to use my skills to make society a safer and better place. All I _know_ is that in life when you find something you're good at and you can use to help people, something you love, you have to hold on tight and stick with it. I found what I love and what I can use for the betterment of society in the practical application of psychological profiling techniques. That is why I believe that I am the best candidate for this job" I said with hope and determination. I saw a flash of something through his eyes, and then he got up and pulled his suit jacket back on. Reid followed suit, picking up his leather messenger bag.

"I would like to discuss this with the rest of the BAU team and I'll get back to you"

"Of course" I said.

"Come back in a few hours, and I can let you know of the decision I have reached"

"Yes sir" I said with a smile as he left his office, Reid trailing behind after flashing me a nervous smile. I exhaled nervously and watched them out the window.

Trust one who has gone through it.

**Virgil**


	4. Chapter 3: Getting in or coming home?

**Chapter 3: Getting in or comming home?**

Hard work's a good distraction.

**Scott Westerfeld**

**Song: This is your life by Switchfoot**

_Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead_  
_Yesterday is a promise that you've broken_  
_Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes_  
_This is your life and today is all you've got now_  
_Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have_  
_Don't close your eyes_  
_Don't close your eyes_

_This is your life, are you who you want to be?_  
_This is your life, are you who you want to be?_  
_This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?_  
_When the world was younger and you had everything to lose_

"Debating, Public Speaking, Musical, University, Grade 12 AND she still managed to pass with A's and B's?" Agent Emily Prentiss asked astounded.

"She attained an OP 1." Agent Spencer Reid stated.

"What is an OP anyway?" JJ looked curious.

"It's a SAT score only the Australian version. This would equate to the highest SAT score attainable." Reid answered the question without even thinking about it

"She's a female version of you" Special Agent Derek Morgan picked up her CV and flipped through it.

"She's almost as smart as me" Spencer looked astounded. "I am still twenty nine IQ points higher than her!" Reid claimed an edge.

"Almost?" joked Agent Jennifer Jaerue, "You two are a perfect match!" Reid blushed and Morgan punched him on the arm.

"Hey, she states that you're her top role model" Morgan looked up and smiled mischievously. "I find Dr. Reid's extreme intelligence a source of inspiration" he quoted from the CV

"I know it's so weird!" Spencer looked astounded that he actually had a fan

"She's a bit more physically oriented than you though. Rock climbing, dirt biking, trekking and bungee jumping. She's very risk taking, which may stem from an innate need for mastery and control."

"We're psychoanalyzing already? Geez. I think she would be a tremendous asset" Agent David Rossi pondered. "But twenty three, she's quite young. She has no previous practical experience in the FBI, how do we know she'll be mature enough to handle it. For all we know she could fall apart in the field. I wasn't there for what happened with Elle but I know perfectly well all it takes is one second of stupid thinking and you can lose yourself. How can we be sure she won't make the same immature mistake?"

"She moved out at sixteen to go to university, she left Australia at nineteen, and considering the amount of time she has spent preparing for this, I don't think maturity or experience is going to be a problem. She looks quite serious, focused, calm and goal oriented." JJ countered.

"Does she have an Australian accent?" Agent Penelope Garcia asked with a smile.

"No Garcia, she won't say G'day mate or come to work on a Kangaroo." Said

Morgan, "I think she's just what we're looking for. She's extremely intelligent, but she's street smart and practical as well by the looks of it, I think that the extra funding we got to open a new position would be put to good use hiring her. But its Hotch's decision in the end"

"Vote, who wants to hire her?" asked Hotch

"Another Reid is just what we need" said JJ putting up her hand. Emily smirked and raised her hand, so did Rossi and Penelope. Morgan looked around at the team and raised his hand as well. Reid quickly raised his hand and Hotch put pen to paper and signed me into the FBI (sort of). Then the phone rang.

For what seemed like hours, I sat in Agent Hotchner's office as he talked with the rest of the team. They appeared to be having some sort of debate, and then finally it reached its conclusion when all the members of the team raised their hands.

Suddenly, a young blonde agent picked up the phone and said something to the rest of the team and they all ran out the doors. I was itching to follow them, but I resisted the urge, I would just be bothering him. It was the next afternoon before agent Hotchner entered his office again with the dark agent. They both did a double take at me sitting there in his office drinking coffee.

"Sir, I um…"

"You are still here! Have you been here overnight?" he asked incredulously.

"Yes sir" I said quietly, running my hands through my sleepy messy hair. I wasn't going to lie, that wouldn't do me any good but neither necessarily would the truth. "I slept on your couch; I um hoped you wouldn't mind. I don't have the sort of connections that will let me know when the FBI is coming back into D.C." as I spoke my checks slowly got redder until I matched the crimson photo frame behind me. Agent Hotchner just shook his head and sat in his seat, uttering the question

"Why?"

"Sir, I really want this job. More than anything, It's all I've ever wanted as a career, as a life. I believe that I would be a valuable asset to this team."

"Well, congratulations on your success. The team had just reached the decision to hire you but we got called away on a terrorist alert." The dark agent handed something to Agent Hotchner, which he then handed to me. It was my badge and gun. "We brief new cases at ten every morning; I'll expect you here by nine. First you'll have to report to the buildings gym to pass your physical then pass a polygraph" He said before picking up the phone. I took this as my queue to leave. The dark agent looked me up and down and murmured 'good luck' before seeing me

out the door.

As I left the office, closing the door, I stared at the badge in my hands. For eight years, I had studied the hardest I had ever studied. I had entertained a very limited social life, and spent most of my time typing essays and thesis's. Here, in my hands, represented the final fruits of my labor.

I jumped up and down in ecstasy, crying 'oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh'. I squealed, jumping around in a circle. The only reason I halted mid-spin was I realized the whole office was staring at me. I took a deep breath, quelling my initial surge of shame and embarrassment, smoothed my jacket and walked out of the office in a (mostly) professional manner.

I got a cab to the nearest shopping centre and I suddenly realised this might not be as easy as I had previously thought. I was a common stereotype that there were gun stores a plenty in America, but i had no idea where I would go. I decided to go with the safe option, the easiest: Wallmart. Half an hour later I bought five pistols and three throwing knives. I had trained in Australia and could shoot and throw with amazing accuracy. I was a little paranoid, which showed up on the psych evaluation I had after the arrest (so that they could use my evidence as solid proof at the trial), but after what I had been through it wasn't really a surprise, nor was it serious enough to worry about. I knew I would be getting a phone from work soon enough, but I bought myself a private cell too. I headed to my new apartment and opened the oak door. I put two of the guns in secure safes around the home and went upstairs where I put out my clothes for work the next day.

I woke in the morning ready for anything. I pulled on my black slacks with a black three quarter sleeved formal shirt. I was wearing a special bra I had altered myself. It was special because it had a small throwing knife sewn into it for emergencies. I acknowledged that I was a bit paranoid, however I felt the job I had now allowed me some right to be paranoid more than usual.

I then pulled on my black Doc Marten boots (you never know when your going to need acid proof boots!), tucking a gun into the outer of each of my legs, inside the boot. I then tucked the two five inch throwing knives into the inside of my leg in each boot. It was a bit uncomfortable, but manageable. I pulled a belt though my slacks (even though they fit perfectly) and clipped a gun holster on each side of my hips. I put my work gun on my right side and my other private one on my left with a flashlight and my phone.

I wore my hair casual and no makeup. I had to do my physical exam anyway so I'd do it later. Fully equipped and ready I had a small breakfast, grabbed my work bag, gym bag and box of equipment for my desk and locked my door behind me. It was only just seven am. When I arrived at work it was seven thirty in the morning.

Walking into the gym I headed to the change room to get into my gym clothes for my physical examination. I had a meeting with the doctor who declared me fit to attempt the test. As I warmed up and got ready to start, I saw my future team file in with interested looks. I blushed just a bit, being only in camouflage gym shorts, sports bra and a cut off yellow camisole. Most of my body was completely bare, you know, gym clothes. As Dr. Reid came in his eyes flashed over my body and I suppressed a shiver of, I don't know, desire, longing, nervousness, self conciousness. The examiner caught my attention and I started the test.

"She can really move" commented Morgan as he watched her sprint around the track, her long plaited hair flying out behind her. Reid nodded in agreement as he watched her muscles ripple, like a tiger waiting to pounce. He noticed something on her leg, a long pink scar down the inside of her leg.

"Look at her leg! What do you think happened?" Reid looked very concerned

"Its up to her if she wants to tell you" Hotch gave Reid a stern look, "Until she does, there will be no slandering or gossiping about it"

"She must have trained for ages" said Emily said softly to JJ.

"Even Morgan doesn't get to 70 sit ups in a minute" JJ responded in awe. The suit she had worn yesterday had covered most of her body but now she could see the athletically compact build of the new agent. "Wait, is that a tat?"

"Where?" asked Emily, peering at Nikita's back as she received her feedback. The camisole she was wearing didn't cover her shoulder blades and there, in plain sight of the whole team, was Nikita's tattoo. It was pretty, delicate even, yet it plainly suited her. The tattoo was a warm brown owl with a hole in the centre. Inside the hole there was a cross. "Oh it so suits her!"

"It's beautiful" said Reid in agreement. Everyone looked at him and chuckled. It was so obvious he could not take his eyes off Nikita. Maybe Reid might finally get a girlfriend, and why not? She was an exotic kind of beautiful, with her tanned, small and muscular body. It was obvious she was quirky, with her 2 different gold earrings and odd little tattoo.

She turned around and there was another piece of evidence of exactly how young and unashamed of whom she was. Her gold belly bar complemented her tight abs with a small diamond butterfly on the top. As she walked away, she picked up her gym bag, which was a bag shaped like an owl, with eyes and material decorations like feathers. The black duffle bag was quite cute and again it reflected on just who she was. It was like she was just as quirky as Garcia, if not more. Not in the awesomely accessorizing way of Garcia, but the combination of her serious personality (her suits, cc bag) and her quirky-ness (her gym bag, personality)

I resisted the temptation to introduce myself, even though I was so eager to meet Dr. Spencer Reid for real, not just sitting in an interveiw.

After I was dressed again, I headed to the polygraph wing. I was the only future agent there and I was admitted immediately.

"Hello, I'm Special Agent Samantha Vera and I will be conducting your polygraph today. I'm going to have to ask you to remove your shirt, but if you have a singlet or something, you might want to put that on" the strawberry blonde agent turned around while I pulled my gym camisole on. Sitting down on the chair, the agent began attaching the little suction cups to my skin. My heart beat came up steady on the monitor and I took a deep breath.

I was an excellent liar, and I could lie without the slightest facial giveaway or spike in heartbeat. Not that I intended to lie in my polygraph, but being calm was going to be the main thing. The hard thing if she asked certain questions. Questions I really didn't want the FBI to know the answers to.

"I want you to breathe normally and try to relax. This will make the read more accurate"

"Sure" I relaxed and breathed normally.

"What is your full name?"

"Nikita Ann Kostaschuk" No spike

"Have you ever gone by any other name?"

"Legally?"

"Other legal names, other names you have used"

"Isabella Wright, as a pen name."

"What is your birth date?"

"9th of August 1995"

"Have you ever associated with a criminal?"

"Yes"

"When?"

"2013"

"Why?"

"I was in a relationship with him, we broke up when I discovered the crimes he was committing, the last time I saw him was on the 9th of August 2013, at his conviction."

"Did you give evidence as a witness?"

"I gave evidence as a material witness; I also underwent a psychological evaluation and a medical examination as I was a victim."

The questions continued for an hour until I had passed the polygraph with flying colors. I could finally get through the front door and meet the team! I felt like squealing but I had learnt my lesson already. I know I'm a little carefree, and I bet a lot of the team wasn't, but maybe it would be good for them to lighten up a bit when they're not on a case, when we're going for drinks, doing paperwork or flying home. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, I didn't even know if they'd like me. That was the one thing that made my heartbeat pick up

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

**J. K. Rowling**


	5. Chapter 4: Hi! I'm me, I'm new

**Chapter 4: Hi! I'm me, I'm new and you are incredibly clumsy**

Love is everything it's cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.

**Erica Jong**

**Song: Fifteen by Taylor Swift**

_You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors_  
_It's the morning of your very first day_  
_You say "Hi" to your friends you ain't seen in a while_  
_Try and stay out of everybody's way_  
_It's your freshman year and you're gonna be here_  
_For the next four years in this town_  
_Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say_  
_"You know I haven't seen you around, before"_

_'cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you_  
_You're gonna believe them_  
_And when you're fifteen_  
_Feeling like there nothing to figure out_  
_Well count to ten, take it in_  
_This is life before you know who you're gonna be_  
_Fifteen_

I took a deep breath and walked through those glass doors. I was so exhilarated, the morning of my very first day! I passed my physical and my polygraph which meant that I was officially in. I put my box down on what I assumed was my desk (it was empty and looked new) and began setting it up.

I put my laptop and plugged it in, arranging my desk around it. I grabbed my small selection of photographs and held them in my hands. One of them was my family and I just before I left, the second was of my best friends and me at formal and the other was me with Peter.

Peering at my formal dress, I laughed at the memories of the night, how Steph turned up in jeans and a t shirt, how Emily's green dress sparkled as she snapped all the pictures, how my floor length teal backless princess neckline dress was complimented throughout the night, how I had to lend Steph my baby pink cocktail dress, how Amber's crimson red dress nearly fell off because she didn't have the cleavage to hold it up, how none of us had dates and we didn't care in the slightest. I put them in a perfect line on the side of my desk.

They were my reasons for being who I am. The third picture of Peter and I looked to happy next to the others, looked like it might be a positive reason. It wasn't, so I took a permanent marker and blacked out his face. That looked much better, I reasoned. I guess I didn't really care that the room was full of psychologists. Just coz I hated my ex didn't make me psychotic, I had my reasons.

The rest of the BAU team walked in and I turned to face them. The dark haired female agent's eyes flicked over to my picture of Peter and I and back to me

"Hi I'm Nikita, I'm starting today" I said, knowing that it sounded foolish.

"Hey, I'm Jennifer Jaerue, JJ" said the young blonde with ice blue eyes.

"Emily Prentiss" said the dark haired woman with a bright smile.

"Penelope Garcia" said a red headed individual whose bubbly personality made her just like me. We would definitely get along.

"Dr Spencer Reid" said the young nerdy male who I had waited a very long time to meet. He was cute, really cute in a nerdy, sweet way, definitely dateable. His smile seemed to laugh silently with me at the awkwardness of this whole situation. I took a deep breath, revelling in the moment of finally meeting my role model up close and personal.

"I have wanted to meet you my whole life!" He'd read her C.V. and it was impressive to say the least. He knew he was her role model, but so was Thomas Edison and Benjamin Franklin. They were dead, but really, he didn't think she'd be so, well, excited.

"Why?" he still couldn't figure it out.

"Because you're Dr. SPENCER REID! My one role model! You always, always challenged me to be smarter, to do better. I read all about you on the internet, and it was such a good feeling to know you were out there somewhere, catching all those people who have done such despicable things! I always knew someday I was going to be like you! I was going to be a role model for other people too. I mentioned you at my interview at Caltech, how you were my role model, and it was like I told them I'd feed them from a gold platter. I was accepted just like that, and now I'm one of their respected alumni. You have done so much for me just existing. This is such an honour!"

"Thanks, I think…" the team was staring at this odd scene. Reid had a fan, a hot one too. This was going to be interesting.

"Oh sorry, I must have freaked you out a bit just then, ugh I'm so nervous!"

"You're doing fine" said Reid, with a small smile. My breath caught and I nearly screamed and jumped around again. Hehehe. Spencer's hands flicked, and anyone without a trained eye would have just seen twitching hands, but Nikita saw words forming as clearly as if they were aloud.

"Congratulations on getting here."

"Thanks" I flicked back.

"I'm not sure how to follow that little siesta but I'm Derek Morgan" said the hot black one, winking at me, interrupting a silent conversation. I winked back, knowing that I was accepted. This was going to be so cool, talking silently to Spencer all day long.

"I have to brief you on protocol today, we'll start a new case as soon as you guys all finish your paperwork" JJ said to me at first, but the last part to the rest of the team.

"A lot of us have paper work to do today, so you're free for JJ" said Derek. He noticed my hand twitching but didn't say anything.

"I can help you with your paper work!" I said brightly, "I'd be happy to help!"

There's nothing like a positive attitude to fight stacks of protocol forms and case files to be signed. Yay, paperwork! Ugh, what a fun first day.

"You can't sugar" said Derek with a smile "it about the terror threat, so coz you weren't there, you can't do the paperwork"

"Oh, is that a protocol? I see now why I have to be briefed all day."

"Yeah there are a lot of protocol procedures, so it will take us a while. Nearly all day" said JJ.

"Then its time for the tradition" Derek laughed and Emily smiled.

"Please don't tell me this is like one of those gangs where I have to swim in pee or something before I can party with you!" I joked with a fake look of horror on my face.

"Coz then I is obviously in the wrong department!" Everyone had a giggle. The personality traits I always scored high on were extroversion and open-ness to experience, so it was no surprise that when I was in stress mode I reverted to making everyone laugh.

"Close" said Emily, "but no, we take you to dinner"

"Oh the horror!" I exclaimed "I'm melting, melting, melting" I croaked as I collapsed on the floor laughing. Everyone was in fits of laughter and I was so happy this day was already hitting off to a good start. Of course that was when Agent Hotchner and another older agent walked in. I quickly got off the floor and brushed myself off, and I was introduced to Agent Rossi, whose amused smile seemed to speak a thousand words.

Ah shoot! I couldn't believe myself! I had only been at work a couple of hours and I had already ended up on the floor! After that episode yesterday, at this rate I wasn't going to last long. I am normally a mature, polite, discreet person, but I was so exhilarated lately I couldn't seem to think straight. I was always on the verge of dancing out of my shoes and while everyone around me seemed so serious, I was like their polar opposite.

My smile is always in place, even in tough situations, and this emotional high I was riding wasn't helping. Taking a deep breath, I knew I had to calm down. Usually I left the stupid behavior for drinking, but I feel almost drunkenly happy. No matter, it was time to breath normally. Smiling, I flicked a see yah to Spencer and walked off with JJ.

For the rest of the day, I was told all the proper ways to do things by JJ. I found out that she was married with a kid. That made me smile, she was obviously proud of Henry, her toddler. Walking through the FBI, I couldn't help but feel slightly overwhelmed. At 23, most people are only just deciding what they want to be, and at 23 I was already in my dream job. That makes me feel so normal.

When I was walking back through the bullpen, I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking and obviously neither was Spencer. Actually, I was reading a case file from JJ's office.

Spencer was thinking just how beautiful she looked as she read and walked at the same time.

He had a coffee in his hands, and as we collided it spilled all over me. Coffee seeped into my shirt as I stepped back.

"Oh my, ugh, great" I walked over to the kitchenette and picked up the tea towel. Spencer grabbed the tea towel out of my hands and started brushing off my top.

"Um, I can do that" I took the tea towel back from him and mopped up the stain on my shirt. Awkward. Spencer was standing close to me, and I smiled up at him.

"I'm sorry" Spencer sighed; "now I've ruined your shirt"

"Its black, you can barely see it" I put the tea towel back and signed 'I can't wait for tonight' before slipping out from between him and the wall and heading back to JJ, who was chatting with Emily and furtively glancing my way.

It is with our passions, as it is with fire and water, they are good servants but bad masters.

**Aesop**


	6. Chapter 5: Of Detrimental Drinking

**Chapter 5: Of Detrimental Drinking**

Acknowledgment of torture is not accountability for it.

**Yousef Munayyer**

**Song: Broken by Lifehouse**

_The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight_  
_Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time_  
_I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts_  
_I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out_

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing_  
_With a broken heart that's still beating_  
_In the pain, there is healing_  
_In your name I find meaning_  
_So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on_  
_I'm barely holdin' on to you_

_The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head_  
_I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead_  
_I still see your reflection inside of my eyes_  
_That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life_

At six, we signed off and met the rest of the team in the car park. We all went to the local Indian store, and I had a lot of background in Indian food, so I ordered the food for everyone. When it got to me, I announced I was having all vegetarian meals.

"Are you a vegetarian?" Hotch called over Garcia's head. Morgan and Rossi had brought some whisky, a six pack of cruisers, some bottles of vodka and a bottle of champagne.

"Yeah I am" I called back. I could feel the whole table looking at me funny. "What?"

"So you don't ever eat meat? You can work with dead and mangled corpses all day, see the worst of humanity, but you can't eat an animal's meat?" Morgan asked.

"Wouldn't that make sense? And anyway, I can't stand to see something die for me. Victims don't die for me, animals do"

"Okay, so back to the reason why we brought you here, its question time"

"What do you want to know?" I asked, I wasn't really that interesting, well, not really.

"Do you have siblings?" Emily asked

"Yeah, a little brother, he's nineteen now" I said softly

"What does he do?" Hotch asked past Emily's head

"He's doing a bachelor of games design" I said with pride. My brother was one of the sweetest guys in the world, heart of gold. "He got a scholarship and everything."

"How many friends do you have at home?" asked JJ

"7 or 8 close friends. A lot of friends that aren't really close but we talk all the time on face book" I was extremely popular on facebook and had a habit of spontaneously posting random facts as my status and seeing the responses I get.

"What's that?" Spencer asked with a puzzled look.

"A online social networking site" I replied, "You really need to get on the internet more"

"How many guns do you carry?" Rossi asked. He had seen the two on her hips, but most of them had guns in their boots too.

"Four. And three throwing knives" a shocked silence greeted me, "One too many crime shows" this made most present laugh. Rossi could see the obvious signs of paranoia in her. I mean, 4 guns. Looks passed between the team, heavy, weighted looks after the chuckles subsided.

"I like your tattoo" commented Emily, trying to break what was beginning to feel like an awkward silence.

"Oh thanks, I had that done on my eighteenth birthday." I felt as if I had crossed some kind of barrier. Silence had now replaced questions.

"You religious?" asked JJ, again trying to fight the silence.

"Yeah, Christian."

I was taking the drinks I was offered and I knew tonight would be one of those dancing on table nights. When I got drunk, that's when the fun times started, and I always had heaps of fun. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get drunk tonight or not but maybe it was a bit late for second thoughts about the drunkenness.

"Boyfriend or Single?" asked Garcia with a smile. She had long ago noticed the slow but steady build of empty alcohol glasses and the constant refils she was pouring herself. Poor girl, she must have really been through hell.

"Broke up four years ago with the last one"

"Just before you left Australia? You didn't date in California?" asked Rossi. That was a bad sign, it meant she hadn't moved on.

"Yeah just before I left Australia and despite the enormous quantity of hot guys in California surprisingly not." I said

"Why did you break up?" asked Morgan. He didn't want to pry, but he had heard her name before and wondered if she had been on T.V. The FBI didn't request a background search into her Australian history because they didn't have jurisdiction, but he could always also couldn't look in or listen to her polygraph, so whatever she said he had no idea about. He could get his baby girl to do some searching, but again he didn't want to pry. Yet. Untill he needed to. He could see she was steadily getting more drunk. This was not good, an alcoholic on the team was going to be detrimental. Wait, pump your own brakes Derek, its only one night. You don't know if she's an alcoholic yet. Maybe she only dies it once in a while. Thats what he hoped. "He was…disturbed..." I hadn't really wanted to tell everyone this but they weren't giving me much choice and the liquor was getting to me in a major way.

"He was abusive, right?" asked Rossi. It was a stupid question, he knew that, it was was too obvious that was the truth.

"Yeah" I said with a sigh. "We went on our first date, I was nineteen. I started dating the boy you always see in the cafeteria, you know how it is. I was really just another teen and he was two or three years older than me, doing his doctorate. He was always so sweet to me, really cared, but he changed. He always wanted to…well…yeah…and I wouldn't give it to him, so he'd beat me up then go out and rape and kill some other girls. I didn't even know what he was doing at the time. I heard the case on the news and profiled it myself, but there was a flaw in the profile and even though it did sound exactly like him, I refused to believe it. When I figured it out it was a few months later when the death toll was in its twenties. I changed all my numbers and called the police. He got a life sentence and I was glad that I'd never see him again. He is the driving force behind why I'm here. Y'know back then I swore I was going to marry him someday, but I realized this bigger dream of mine. So here I am."

"How long did it go on for?" Rossi asked. This explained the scar on her leg to everyone, and it saddened them that she was already just like most of them. Rossi felt the maternal urge to stop her as she took a huge gulp of vodka. He shuddered to think of what her liver looked like if this was an everyday occurance.

Hotch had scars from Foyet, Emily had scars from Cyrus, Morgan had scars from a tazer attack a few years ago and going through that window after Foyet, Rossi had scars from working in the BAU for so long, Penelope had scars from her shooting, Reid had scars from his kidnapping a few years ago and JJ was fairly scar-less in relation. Already, Nikita had as many scars as them, yet she still shone like a light against darkness.

"5 months. As soon as I figured it out I told the police. But I'm fine now." I lied, grabbing a third glass of vodka from the bottles in the middle of the table.

"You sure you don't want a glass of...I don't know...some water or anything?" JJ asked, trying to be as casual as she could while Nikita was skuzzling the alcohol.

Reid leaned over to her and postitioned himself to whisper in her ear.

"Maybe you should cut back a bit on the drink. It may make the pain go away but it will never fix it." As he leant back I gave him a scathing look. It was none of his buisness. It undermined my confidence, made me wary that they were watching. I glanced over to my right, which is where I had been depositing the bottles and glasses. It was a bit more than an average day out but not the most I'd ever had.

"Maybe you should mind your own buisness" I suggested quietly

Hotch could see, plain as day, that she wasn't alcoholic. She didn't drink because she was addicted, she used it as an escape. She was a classic example of what health psychologists would call a problem drinker. She drank to numb the pain. She drank to forget. She was so young, vibrant and extremely intelligent. So why couldn't she see that what she was doing was damaging her? Was there some worse alternative?

"So what's your preferred nickname?" asked Garcia trying to lighten the mood further. There would be discussion later, she knew it.

"Um…well most people call me Niki but I guess whatever you want"

"Do you want kids one day?" JJ asked.

"Yeah! I mean, only to the right guy of course," glancing at Spencer who blushed lightly. He really was gorgeous, with an open sort of face that told you exactly what he was feeling, like reading a book. He he, I'm reading Reid. I really must be getting drunk.

The truth is rarely pure and never simple.

**Oscar Wilde**


	7. Chapter 6: Under the influence again

**Chapter 6: Under the influence again**

To say the truth, reason and love keep little company together now-a-days.

**William Shakespeare**

**Song: You and Me by Lifehouse**

_What day is it? And in what month?_  
_This clock never seemed so alive_  
_I can't keep up and I can't back down_  
_I've been losing so much time_

_'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do_  
_Nothing to lose_  
_And it's you and me and all other people_  
_And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you_

_One of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right_  
_I'm tripping on words_  
_You've got my head spinning_  
_I don't know where to go from here_

"Garcia, you want to dance with your prince? I believe the club next door has some excellent music pumping straight to my ears." Morgan asked Garcia flirtatiously.

"Of course! I would love nothing better than to gyrate with you my hunk-a-burning-love" she replied and with that we all paid and left, walking to the night club next door. Morgan and Garcia went off to the slow dance corner, which is where the whole team ended up. Hotch and Emily were the next couple to join the couples twirling to the music. It was obvious they were together, but I didn't feel like I should ask exactly what the deal was yet. It just seemed too soon. Rossi offered his hand to JJ because they could tell Reid and I needed time. The joint was crowded and noisy, the bar slighlty greasy. The flurestent lights turned everything shades of lime green and brilliant blue. In the slow-dancing corner, it was slightly lighter, less smoky or sweaty. Graceful couples twirled to the sounds of Lifehouse, and same not-so-graceful couples danced in a tight box formation. Some didn't even look 21. At 16, I was starting University and I wen to the odd party, had the fake i.d. but it was never anything serious. I was too focussed on study. Then Peter came along and somehow I managed to keep a hold on my perfect GPA.

"I'm sorry about what I said before, I really am. I just know what its like to be addicted to something." Reid looked really apologetic, and there was no way I could deny those eyes.

Reid had known it wasn't his place to say anything back in the resturant. He just felt so helpless, watching her drink away her sanity. He wished there was something he could do, but maybe just being there for her would be the most helpful thing to do. The dim lighting reminded him of theri current surrounding and he snapped out of his revere in time to see Nikita watching him closely. It amazed him that after so much to drink, she could still hold coherent thought.

"You were wrong. I'm not addicted, but it does help me forget. But I compartmentalize well, so it's not often an issue. Its just after a while I think it's gone away then someone else asks about it…" The silence got awkward for a moment, and I really can't stand awkward silences.

"Do you want to dance?" Spencer asked suddenly, smiling at me.

"Yeah I'd like that" I said as he grabbed my hand and pulled me to the centre of the floor. He put one hand around my waist and held my hand with the other. I wrapped my arm around his neck. My heart thumped erratically as I leaned against his warm shoulder. His soft, outdated clothes smelled like well-worn books and peperment oil. I was humming along to the song that was playing, it had a nice tune. Spencer was tracing sign language into my palm. 'Amore' was the word, over and over, as he knew I spoke French and sign language. Nice combo. JJ and Rossi stopped twirling and saw Spencer and me, and just stopped and stared.

"Do you think its Lila all over again? Do you think its Reid and me all over again?" JJ asked Rossi over the music. JJ had a slight twinge to see the man she had once almost-loved holding another woman so close, but she also felt happy for him. Despite her flaws, Nikita seemed like a good person and a vibrant minded individual.

"Lila? No idea what you're talking about, but I personally don't think it will end the way you and Reid did. What happened then was a mistake and there never really was a strong chemistry. With them, you can smell the budding love, and I think she actually has a clue" Rossi replied. His maternal instincts twinged to see the young man he thought of as a son and the petite woman who he wanted to save from herself engage in such frivilous activities and be standing so close.

By this time, I had perhaps had two cruisers, couple glasses of vodka, a glass of Reid's whiskey and a few flutes of champagne. Maybe a bit too much for one night out, but I put it down to nervousness and the team bringing up the Peter. I wasn't super drunk, maybe a little bit. Just leaning against Spencer's chest I thought maybe one kiss wouldn't hurt. He was adorably cute, he seemed to care and in my slightly drunken state, that idea seemed perfect. So I leaned up and met his lips with mine, and he kissed back with surprising force. We stopped dancing, just kissing passionately in the corner of the dance floor. The taste of alcohol and my impaired judgement told me that maybe this wasn't such a good idea but in that moment I just didn't care. Emily stopped dancing as she saw what she had never seen before. Spencer kissing someone who wasn't JJ! Hotch turned to see what she was staring at, and saw Niki and Spencer pashing in the middle of the dance floor.

"She's pretty intoxicated" Emily stated the obvious.

"She's deffinatley got a drinking problem. The aftermath could be horrible tomorrow." Hotch was seriously worried. If the breath-takingly strange and flawed woman kissing Reid was making a drunken mstake, he should be stopping it. She needs help, and as her unit cheif he should be the one helping and protecting her. And what was he doing? Watching as she took a step he wasn't sure she was ready for. What would it have been since she stood that close to a guy and trusted that implicitly? 3 years? 4 years? 5 even?

"Should someone tell her what happened with JJ and him?" asked Emily softly as it occured to her that Nikita wouldn't know. Emily knew it was tough on Nikita to open up to Reid like that, after her previous relationships. It would be just the kind of thing that would make Nikita hurt.

"Are you going to be the one to get your butt kicked?" Hotch was always more carefree around Emily, said things he generally shouldn't. But it wasn't like she told anyone what they discussed at his house, or her apartment, or anywhere else they hooked up. It was an off-handed response, and he knew Reid would be the one getting his but kicked when Nikita found out.

A few minutes later, I broke off the kiss. Gosh that was good! Wow! That had really sobered me up. What the hell did I think I was doing! Kissing a work colleague! I'd be fired in a minute is Hotch saw! Ugh! (A small part of me noted that he wasn't exactly sin free when it came to co-worker relationships).

"I just…just…I have to go…" I said moving quickly away from him as I panicked, searching for someone to take me home. The sooner I left the better for everyone involved. "Rossi, could you take me home?" I asked when I found him and JJ standing on the edge of the dance floor. I didn't turn to look at Spencer's face, knowing it would be full of shock and pain. JJ was looking at me with a sad smile and I tried to ignore Spencer's eyes on my back.

"Sure. Are you okay?" he asked, giving me a look that meant 'I saw everything'

"I just need to get home okay." I said faintly. In the car I leaned against the window but Rossi locked the doors as he pulled over at my apartment.

"Give him a chance" Rossi said quietly.

"Why?" I asked slowly, "I just screwed up coz I'm drunk. He did too"

"He really actually likes you, Nikita, and if you throw that away because you're afraid he might turn out like Peter then that's the biggest mistake of your life" I stared at Rossi in anger.

"You have no right!" I tried to get out of the car but I couldn't, the door was jammed. Or possibly locked, I mean this was THE David Rossi I was talking to.

"You spend your life around profilers, and this is just the way I roll, so you're going to have to get used to it" I sighed and leaned against the seat.

"With every guy, I let them close, but when it gets too close I just block them out. With Peter, it was different. The vibe, it was different, more long term, but then well Peter was just Peter. Reid is just like what happened with Peter, that feeling that things could be different than just a normal meaningless relationship that ends in me stonewalling everyone in my life."

"Then take that chance, because Reid is the kind of guy that you don't want to miss. Reid isn't Peter. I want you to take a panadol, huge glass of water and try to get some sleep."

It was midnight when I finally collapsed into my bed, not even removing my guns let alone get changed or eat. Rossi had been a lot of help (cough), but I still thought maybe tomorrow I'd wake up and do that day all over again, but I wouldn't get so stupid. But if one thing was certain, it was that Spencer was a good kisser. I smiled at the thought, my last conscious thought that night.

The sound of a kiss is not so loud as that of a cannon, but its echo lasts a great deal longer.

**Oliver Wendell Holmes**


	8. Chapter 7: Night hauntings

**Chapter 7: Night-haunting's tell chilling tales**

Not everything made you stronger. It was possible to survive, yet still be crippled for your trouble. Sometimes it was okay to run away, to skip the test, to chicken out. Or at least to get some help.

**Scott Westerfeld**

**Song: Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Greenday**

_I'm walking down the line_  
_That divides me somewhere in my mind_  
_On the border line_  
_Of the edge and where I walk alone_

_Read between the lines_  
_What's fucked up and everything's alright_  
_Check my vital signs_  
_To know I'm still alive and I walk alone_

"_You're WORTHLESS!" he screamed at m__e as I cringed in the corner. He hadn't touched me yet.__ Not yet._

"_COME HERE YOU STUPID B****" He grabbed my arm and threw me across the room. I was little, I was weak, I couldn't fight him. I was nineteen. The bloodied clothes in the wash, the stick of concealer for the bruise on my face, the fake smiles, suppressed tears. The scars that made me ugly jumped out at me, laughing at my worthlessness as I stood in front of a broken mirror. The pain as he carved into me. His face constantly haunting me, a sneer decorating his features. My pain. The weight on my soul. The razor sliced into my skin and the emotional release brought tears. An expression of my pain._

"_You WILL love me!" he tried to push himself into me, tried to force himself onto me._

"_NO!" I screamed and pushed him away. Blood splattered all over the walls. My blood. I screamed until I felt dead. The blood ran out of me, a pool of it surrounding me. It hurt, my ribs felt on fire, and I knew they were broken. I was dead, dying. It was black. There was no light._

"_NIKITA!" I heard a searching yell, my body shaken by forces outside of me. Michael, he would find me. I had a vague impression we were supposed to meet somewhere. I saw red, nothing more. Blood on the floor choked me, I couldn't breathe. Red faded to black. All I could see was him. The one I hated._

I screamed. Terrifying, blood chilling screams. I jerked awake drenched in sweat. I hadn't had the nightmare for so long. Alcohol always makes the nightmares worse, yet I can't stop. I'll drink until the never ending ache goes away. I have to, or else I won't survive. Or else I'll go back to the worse habbit. Its my coping mechanism. I picked up my phone and called my life-line. Te one person who knew exactly how I felt.

"This is Michael, and I'm assuming that only Nikita would call me this early"

"Hey Michael. What time is it down-under?" I was really concerend I'd woken him up.

"Doesn't matter. You had the dream again?" He always knew when I'd been dreaming of Peter.

"I've started drinking again. It made it come back." I sniffed softly, wishing my freind was here. Michael had spinal bifidua and was in a wheelchair. It was why when he found me he found it so hard to save me or make sure I was still alive. He was in a wheelchair, but no matter what I was going through, Michael always knew how to help.

"You know that drinking makes it worse. You shouldn't." But he knew she wouldn't stop. If she didn't drink, she hurt herself. Honestly he didn't know which one was better.

We talked untill I had calmed down and I was so tired we hung up. I fell back into fitful sleep after a short while, but the dream persisted. It had never left me alone, even after years. Would he always haunt me?

Rossi pulled up at the dance club again and the whole team was in a booth in deep discussion.

"What did she say?" Reid was curled over in the corner between Garcia and JJ.

"She's afraid to get to emotionally involved because of Peter. Bastard. How could he hurt something as innocent as that?" He noted that Garcia was tapping away at her laptop.

"I'd never hurt her" Reid's voice was sad, almost broken. "I don't want another Lila situation"

"There's also the fact that she'd get in trouble" Emily looked at Hotch furtively.

"She should know that's a stupid thought, look at you two" said Rossi

"How much longer will it take, Magic woman? Your lithe little fingers getting tired?" Morgan asked softly, peering at Garica's computer.

"Sugar, my magic fingers are never tired; it's this stupid wireless…Ah ha!"

"You got em?"

"Nikita's file"

"What does it say?" Hotch knew they probably shouldn't have asked Garcia to hack the Australian Police Force's database and pulled Nikita's file, but there was something deeper to this than a few scars.

"2013, Nikita Kostaschuk, found beaten to near death in her Sex, Love and Relationships tutorial classroom (irony much) and she reported an attempt to sexually assault her. Cataloguing showed extreme and prolonged abuse. She refused her day after pill that they offered just in case, and was discharged as soon as medically possible. Poor butterfly!"

"Attempted sexual assault?" Reid looked disgusted

"What, you wouldn't date her coz she nearly got raped? For a Christian like her, a dedicated one, you'd expect that to leave deep psychological marks" Morgan looked furious as he spoke. Hotch looked at Morgan angrily.

"I don't think that's what Reid meant, Morgan, so let's not get all defensive" Said Hotch as he attempted to calm the situation. Reid glared at Morgan.

"I was disgusted that someone would think to befoul her like that, but I can see why she'd be a high profile target, considering her confidence and extroversion would make her perceived as virtually un-touchable."

"Its probably why she hasn't dated from then on, she's too afraid that if she loves again, they'll hurt her like Peter did" Emily interjected softly.

"That's basically what she told me in the car" Rossi added as JJ's phone started to buzz. She answered it softly and got up, moving past Hotch and Rossi.

"It's Will; he wants me home so I'm good for tomorrow. We've got a case, so everyone head home sometime soon"

"Her drinking is going to be a problem." Hotch knew he had to bring it up.

"Considering her background, I'm not surprised" Morgan was trying to stick up for her, but he knew that she needed help. They discussed the issue for a short while, comming to the conclusion that they would help her out supportively and be there for her and after a few months if that didn't work they'd gove her an ultimatum: AA meetings or she'd lose her job. None of them wanted it to get that far.

Emily and Hotch left a short time afterwards, leaving Morgan, Garcia and Rossi at the booth. Garcia made excuses about early morning tomorrow and headed home. Morgan and Rossi enjoyed a few more drinks after that.

"She's a real looker, don't you think?" Rossi sipped his scotch.

"She's very nice face, works hard for her body, but her personality is what makes her sexy" was all Morgan said to the elder profiler. He wished his baby girl, the woman he loved, would finally see that her personality was the sexiest of all to him.

If God is the DJ, then Life is the dance floor; Love is the rhythm, and You are the music.

**P!nk **

**A/N**

I'm getting heaps of visitors, but i have less reveiws than i do chapters! ^_^ R&R and for those of you who are reading and not reveiwing, thats cool but maybe drop me a line? a 10 second couple of words on how i'm going? suggestions? Awesnome! *^_^*


	9. Chapter 8: Of Coffee Beans and Bodies

**Chapter 8: Of Coffee Beans and Bodies**

Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the only one to whom the torture and death of his fellow creatures is amusing in itself.

**James Anthony Froude**

**Song: If Everyone Cared by Greenday**

_From underneath the trees, we watch the sky_  
_Confusing stars for satellites_  
_I never dreamed that you'd be mine_  
_But here we are, we're here tonight_

_Singing Amen, I, I'm alive_  
_Singing Amen, I, I'm alive_

_If everyone cared and nobody cried_  
_If everyone loved and nobody lied_  
_If everyone shared and swallowed their pride_  
_Then we'd see the day when nobody died_

The next day my head was a little fuzzy, but I could think perfectly alright after a bottle of water and a morning coffee. I was very particular about how I have my coffee. It has to be two parts coffee, one part milk, one part sugar or more sugar if necessary. Lots of sugar makes the world go around. During the day, I might also have between one and two MORE coffees, as it was an addiction of mine.

I arrived at work at nine thirty, a bit later than yesterday, but there wasn't any time before work to chat or get checked out while I worked out (not that I minded being checked out, it just made me nervous when it was my team). That was sort of the point, because that way Spencer couldn't try to talk to me. I could sense Spencer watching me as I made my coffee and we walked towards the conference room, but I ignored him thoroughly. Never again would I stare into those eyes. I couldn't risk my dream career for a guy, it wasn't logical.

"Seattle P.D. sent this case file over and there were just too many possible related cases to ignore. The victims are all white females, mid to late 30's, all stabbed and left in dumpsters. As you can imagine, the suspect pool, the possible victims and the homicides that VICAP pulled up meant there was a lot of sifting to be done." JJ pulled the crime scene photos up on the screen.

"There are a lot of these cases that can just be dismissed based on victimology. Look at the recent victims and the patterns that arise, all upper class; their jewelry and clothing expensive. In some of the cases that are similar but obviously not related, the victims were of lower socio-economic background. For example, look at the Schiller case, high profile lifestyle, upper class house, clothing and personal effects. Compare that to the Shram case, white, mid to late thirties, but she worked a low salary job and wore clothes from wall-mart. Take a look at the Jane Doe case, and we can apply the same logic, only she was a prostitute. No way were those women killed by the same unsub" I stopped talking, realizing that I was getting stares.

Morgan listened to Nikita theorise. She was good, really good. She was 100% correct on her first attempt at profiling her first real case. she didn't even seem hung over.

Hotch listen to Nikita theorise. He wondered if she felt hung over. She didn't look it. She seemed to have some aversion to make-up, because every time he'd seen her, it was either not there or very minimalistic.

"That's good stuff, with those parameters we can probably cross off about half these cases already" Emily gave me an encouraging smile, which I returned.

We boarded the plane an hour later and part of me was dreading what we had to do now, but another part was happy. As I tucked my 'go' bag into the ovehead compartments, Morgan slid up beside me and put his up.

"So you talked to Ried yet?"

"Agent Morgan, you wouldn't happen to be enquiring into a fellow Agent's love life would you?" I winked at him and used my best Hotch voice. Rossi laughed along as we got settled and took out case files. We chatted for a bit about refining the victimology, but after that we sort of dispersed.

I had always wanted to explore America, and now I was travelling to Seattle. I knew this wasn't a road trip, but I couldn't help but think this was exciting. I was getting paid to do what I loved, and not alot of people could claim that. Emily sat across from me and smiled sweetly. She seemed to like smiling, just like me. i flashed her one of my mega smiles and she giggled. I then returned to looking through the various crime scene reports. The plane smelt of recycled air and carpet cleaner. I could feel the comfortable seats supporting the part of my lower lumber system I had strained when I was 14 at work. It didn'tpain me very often but when it did it was hell.

"Hey, just a heads up, seeing your first body, it can be a bit of a shock. If you want, you don't have to go to the crime scene. We usually split into two anyway, so it's no big deal if you want to go to the station." Emily had that mothering look on her face that I often saw in JJ and I smilied softly.

"Emily, when I was twelve, I handled human organs in a medical lab. When I was sixteen, I cut open a body in human anatomy class a helped remove organs and tissue for lab use. I stare at crime scene photos all day long, in and out of the office. I've been preparing for that moment when I have to see humanity defaced to the lowest of lows my whole life. Thank you for your concern, but I think I'll be fine." I hadn't meant to sound so stand-of-ish but she didn't look offended.

"The BAU is a real boys club, but if you do need a second on the job, take a second to just breathe. We don't expect you to know what you're doing all the time when you're so new." Again with the mothering. It was nice, to know someone thought of you. Rossi and Hotch appeard to be in a soft discussion behind me.

"I'll be fine, I'm sure of it. If I don't know what I'm doing then I don't deserve to be here. I'm sure it will all be fine."

It wasn't going to be.

All alleys smelled the same, I had thought, universally. Whether it was the streets of New York or Bangkok. Not this one though, you could almost smell the death pervading every corner. I couldn't turn back, not now when I had the whole team behind me. Well, Emily, Morgan and Spencer, but still. When I saw the dumpster, I walked towards it with purpose; glad I had water proof leather boots on. I ducked under the crime scene tape and saw my first murdered body. Her clothes were ripped and torn, blood staining the cream linen. I baulked, not being able to stop my body from its physical reaction to the disgust I felt towards the murderer. How someone could leave a fellow human being like this, it was beyond me. They don't train you for this in the Academy, or Uni, or School. Morgan put a hand on my shoulder.

"You okay?" His dark eyes searched her face quickly.

"I think I just need a sec, I'm sorry." It had hit me harder than I thought it would. When I saw that woman I saw me.

"Take it, were good here" he moved past to allow Emily a closer look.

I walked up to the entrance of the alley and took some deep gulps of fresh air.

"We expect you to be human" said Spencer as he walked up beside me. "Everyone freaks out at their first body"

"I'm better than this" I said to him. He grabbed my hand and said softly,

"It's okay, it really is." I slipped my hand out of his and ran my fingers through my hair. I really couldn't afford to consort with him at work, not as a newbie, not as anybody. Strictly off-limits. No way. Yeah, right.

"We have to get back to work" I walked back down the alley and grabbed a pair of latex gloves. Walking over to the body, I squatted beside the head of this latest victim and swept the hair away from her ear.

"Can I remove this?" I asked one of the CSU employees.

"It's all processed, take off whatever you want" he looked at me funny and said, "Aren't you a little young to be an agent?"

"Just a bit" I said back. I took out the earring and looked at the carat of gold. "18 carat gold in her ears" I said to myself, checking the number on the earring. I looked at the tags on the jacket. "Armani suit" I talked to myself sometimes, so conferring my theories with myself was a regular habit. Looking at the rest of her jewelry, I confirmed my theory and related my finds to the others. "This is our unsub, her victimology is the same as the others. Expensive suit, top notch jewelry, it almost seems like irony that they end up in a back alley."

"Dumping them here is definitely a sign that he wants to dehumanize his victims, but my question is to what extent? How does he get high profile women to come down a dark alley with a stranger?"

"He has to be one of them, these kind of women wouldn't follow just anyone down the alley"

"You're right; it makes sense that these women would be smarter than that. We are these women and I know I wouldn't follow a bum into an alley" Emily looked at me and I nodded at Morgan.

"She's right" I affirmed.

"Okay, so what kind of man would you follow into a dirty stinking alley?" Morgan asked Emily and I together and as I looked at her we spoke in unison.

"How drunk am I?"

"According to the autopsy, completely sober." I considered it carefully, my hands talking for me to Spencer, and he gave me ideas for other characteristics.

"Handsome, slightly older than me, rich but not snobbish, smart, charismatic, prosocial and we would definitely have to be dating. What about you Emily?"

"I agree that he would have to be everything you just mentioned, basically he would have to be part of the upper class society."

"We should talk to the victims' families and friends, see if there was anyone new in their lives" Morgan said before flipping open his phone and relaying it all to Hotch.

"Do you want Reid and I to work the geographical profile?" I asked Hotch as we set up in the conference room at the Seattle Police Department.

"Yes, Reid and Nikita, work up a geographical profile. Morgan, you and I can work victimology and eliminate non-relevant cases. Emily, take Rossi and visit some of the other recent crime scenes that we have already confirmed match preliminary victimology that Nikita mentioned before. There might be something there that was absent in the scene you visited this morning. Tomorrow we can interview the families and see if there was a new romantic relationship in their lives. We should look at the oldest case, see if that was the stressor, and if not we have to find the stressor to further understand the situation that this unsub faces." Hotch delegated roles easily, and i could see why they trust him as Unit Cheif. For the day, we stayed cramped in the conference room, drinking coffee and trying not to binge on donuts when we hit a sugar low.

Every couple of hours, I'd get up and stretch for a bit, exercising sore muscles. At first, I think they thought I was a little crazy, but then I told them it increased work productivity by 20% and they nodded and went back to work. I could sense Spencer's eyes on me as I reached down and put my palms on the floor, stretching out my legs. I had to ignore the shivers; otherwise I'd never get anything done. For the first bit of the morning, Reid and I helped Morgan and Hotch eliminate cases, then by late afternoon we had a solid pile of cases that were definitely by the unsub we were chasing. 9 murders and we only needed three to build an accurate geographical model.

We didn't really break for lunch, and we ordered pizza instead. It was six before we were told to break for dinner and then we would head for the hotel. I had a feeling hotels were going to play a major part in my life. Funny that. We had dinner at a little diner on a corner near the police station. I had to make a special request with the waitress to get a caser salad instead of the standard burger and chips everyone else was getting. When we headed for the hotel, Spencer and I ended up in the back seat of one of the SUV's, sitting right next to each other with our legs touching.

He was warm, and I found I liked it. It's not that I wasn't falling head over heels for Spencer; I couldn't deny I was attracted to him. I just didn't know how well it would go over with Hotch and Strauss, even though neither of them was saints when it came to sexual relationships between co-workers. It was well pronounced that Hotch and Emily had a thing, well more than a thing, they were in love. So it's not like he could fire Reid or I. I wasn't sure what was going on between Rossi and Strauss, but there was definitely unresolved sexual tension. Not that what Spencer and I had was sexual, definitely not, but there was the possibility one day (if we got married and all that jazz). I would never jump him before marriage though, because my religion was the most important thing to me, so it was all a big mass of confusing and endless possibilities.

I got changed into my sleepwear, but there was no way I could sleep. Ugh. Spencer and I had to help Hotch and Morgan before we could plot any scenes on the map, we had under anticipated the actual obtaining of a decent map (face palm) to put a geographical profile on and by then it was nearly five and we were getting our thoughts sorted (about thirty seconds) and we started but didn't finish it. I really hate sleeping for more than five hours a night because then I get grouchy when I wake up, so I had nearly all night to kill. I hesitantly left my room and walked next door to Spencer's (I'm pretty sure JJ, Emily and Garcia are up to something when they arranged the rooms and we somehow had adjoining doors) and knocked hesitantly. After about thirty seconds, the door was answered by a somewhat disheveled looking Spencer Reid, who was wearing only boxers and a white t-shirt.

"Um, hi Dr. Kostaschuk, do you need something?" He blushed slowly, his face going a pale shade of crimson and he miss-pronounced my name.

"a) please don't call me Kostaschuk, Niki will be fine. And b) I wasn't sure whether you were sleeping or not, and if you were I figured I can finish off the geographical profile by morning and if you weren't we could finish it off together, that way were one step closer to presenting a full profile."

"Nope, I was going to settle down with a book, but if you want to work, let's work" he moved to the side and let me into his room nervously.

"POPTARTS!" I exclaimed when I saw a packet peeking out of his 'go' bag. "Hersheys!"

"Help yourself" he said softly as I did, "but I'm not sure about the density of the walls so unless you want Morgan banging on your door in the morning about a dream involving pop tarts dancing with twizzlers in candy land, I'd keep it down" I laughed softly.

Spencer noticed, finally, what Nikita was wearing. He was feeling a little underdressed being in his boxers and undershirt, but he nearly started drooling when Nikita sat on his bed. She had a cute t-shirt on that was about one or two sizes too small that said "cereal killer" on it with a bowl of cereal and a pair of very short black cotton shorts. There was a gap where her wrinkled t-shirt and her shorts showed a sliver of her belly and he could see her belly bar. Not that he was checking her out (he knew he was), but it was hard not to notice. Her hair was out and its wavy length reached far past her waist.

"Right, oops sorry. Wouldn't want beauty queen Morgan to have funkylicious dreams" I could definitely tell he was checking me out, I'm not totally naïve. It wasn't like I wasn't doing a little looking myself, and he was pretty fine. The brown eyes were really deep and meaningful but puppy-eyes. His nose was really cute and I suddenly had the urge to run my fingers through his hair. His sleep shirt clung to his skinny body and I could see lightly defined ribs and the makings of abs. Not mega-abs, he wasn't Morgan by any stretch of the imagination, but nice ones. The coffee was finally percolated and I enjoyed crappy hotel coffee while we finished the geographical profile. It was two in the morning when we finally cleared off the work from his bed. I was slightly worried this would get awkward, and even though I did know the walls were thin, all I wanted right now was to press my lips to his and sink into the bed.

"Ugh I'm stuffed" I said, lying down on one side of his bed, curled up like a cat. I knew I'd be up with the sun at about 5 am so I needed to sleep now or I'd be pulling another all-nighter. I tried to only do one a week but I had a bad habit of loosing track of time when I read or played chess against myself. Sad, I know but I had no-one to play with me. Maybe things would change, with Spencer around. He leaned over to grab my mug and I traced the veins in his hand as it hovered between me and the mug. He slipped it onto the bedside table and then leaned back over to me, brushing long strands of hair away from my face. His face hovered above mine, and he leaned in slowly, gauging my reaction. Our lips met again and this time he was more dominant, testing my boundaries. His tongue felt amazing as it slipped between my teeth. I rolled on top of him and deepened the kiss, lying on top of him. When the make out session was over, I slid back to my original cat-like position, catching my breath and tasting him still on my lips. That was my last conscious thought. There was an excellent make out session tonight and I wasn't sure if that was good or not.

The rooms had adjoining doors, so he was about to suggest she slip through when he noticed her breathing became steadier, her eyes softly closing and eyeballs flickering. She was entering Rapid Eye Movement sleep and he knew she would probably want to be left to sleep. With what she had described the other day, he knew she had chronic insomnia, and any sleep she got was good. He placed the down duvet over her and crawled under the duvet himself. He wasn't one hundred percent sure if this was okay, but he hoped she wouldn't mind. He could still feel her body against his, lips caressing his face, neck and mouth. He slipped off quietly to sleep and dreamed of her running through a green forest, and he was chasing, but he never quite caught her. He woke many times during the morning/night to the sound of her voice as she apparently sleep talked. He knew it was her brain making the transitions between the deep sleep period and REM sleep, but as she murmured his name, he couldn't help but feel his heart flutter.

Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.

**Anonymous**

**A/N**

I supersized the chapter for once! The reveiws are amazing so keep em' coming! *^_^*


	10. Chapter 9: Death and Destruction

**Chapter 9: Death and Destruction**

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.

**J. K. Rowling**

**Song: Lift Me Up by Moby**

_Plain talking (plain talking)_  
_Take us so far (take us so far)_  
_Broken down cars (broken down cars)_  
_Like strung-out old stars (like strung-out old stars)_

_Plain talking (plain talking)_  
_Served us so well (served us so well)_  
_Travelled through hell (travelled trough hell)_  
_We know how it felt (we know how it felt)_

I woke with the sun, like always, and it took me a few moments to realize I was in Spencer's bed. Slipping out from under the covers, I stretched and began my morning routine, trying not to think about the situation I was getting myself into with Spencer. First, I did yoga for half an hour and then ran through a Tai Kwon Do routine for another 30 minutes. I grabbed my towel from my room and showered away the sweat. Then I cleaned my face and dried my hair (an half an hour job, let me tell you). Getting dressed for the day, I pulled on skinny jeans and a dark purple Ed Hardy t-shirt that said "love kills slowly" wrapped around a skull. I wasn't sure how formal we had to dress when we were working a case and not in the office, so I just figured I would go with the flow. I braided my hair and decided just to put a bit of moisturizer on my face and go makeup-less. I put on my Docs, as I wore them here on the plane and the only other shoes I had bought were heels. I put on my gold watch, my earrings and my silver and gold necklace. Hanging on the necklace was a pendant of Caribbean crystal my best friend Steph had bought me when she was on holidays in 2009, a Saint Christopher medallion my grandmother had given me as a child and a cross my parents had given me at my baptism. It was a representation of the most important things in my world: my family, my friends and God. I picked up my belt and attached various pouches for my equipment. Pulling the belt through my waist, I tucked my phone into one, PDA into the other and I clipped on my hip holsters and guns, slipping my knives and one of my other guns into my boot. I walked back through the adjoining doors to Spencer's room. He just seemed to be waking up.

"Am I underdressed? What will everyone else be wearing? Will I be in trouble?"

"You look great" he sat up, his hair rumpled from sleep. "What time were you up?"

"5. What will everyone else wear?"

"Hotch is never out of a suit, Rossi and Morgan will wear dress shirts with suit pants, Emily and JJ will wear slacks or with a t-shirt and I'll be wearing similar to Morgan and Rossi"

"So jeans don't look unprofessional?"

"Morgan wears jeans a lot, its fine" his eyes watched her legs as she turned around, the denim tight around her slim thighs. She was so beautiful, so vibrant and wasn't scared to show her true self. He had to admit that he had fallen for her. The only other person he had ever truly loved was JJ and they never went anywhere beyond kissing. The only women he ever kissed were women he could really see a future with.

When we went down for breakfast, I got a few glances from the team, and Morgan commented on my shirt but it wasn't frowned upon. Breakfast was pretty plentiful and Spencer held my hand under the table. Morgan seemed to be the only one who noticed, but considering the table consisted of profilers I don't doubt they suspected. I still had no idea what to do with my feelings about Spencer, but his hand felt nice and soft and I couldn't resist lacing my fingers through his.

Emily raised her eyebrows at Spencer and Nikita's closeness to each other. Emily thought that they had done the deed, pleased at the success of the girls when they pulled together to make something (like adjoining hotel rooms for two new possible lovers) happen. Emily liked the way Nikita dressed; it would be a little unprofessional if they were in the office and not on a case, but she found it soothing that there was someone a bit different in this team, someone who (even though she looked young and inexperienced) would be able to hold her own against all odds.

"Hotch thinks were ready to give a profile" Morgan said after he swallowed his mouthful of eggs. "And for some reason I heard poptarts yelled through the hotel...now that wouldn't be you Nikita, would it? Wouldn't that mean, for example, that you would have happened to be in Reid's room at some point? Or maybe you were staying in there, for some reason or another?" I blushed furiously and quickly ordered fried eggs with a salad. Reid looked similarly embarrassed. Morgan started killing himself laughing. "I'll take that as a yes"

"Morgan, seriously, leave the poor kids alone" Rossi joked from his spot next to Emily.

"Nikita, I want you to take the lead in presentation" said Hotch from the other side of Emily, once they had all stopped chuckling. My cheeks began to cool and I felt like a little kid with her hand caught in the cookie jar. Grrr, trust Morgan to be the only one to bring it up. Emily and Hotch always just booked one hotel room for them now a days and I wonder if Spencer and I would be doing the same one day. That thought made me shiver in pleasure.

"Sure" that was going to be easy. In debating, I would have to make up seven to ten minute speeches on the spot, all rebutting the opposition. Why would presenting a profile to a room full of sceptical cops be any different when I was probably at least 5-10 years younger than the youngest of them? If I'd known I was going to be presenting the profile today, I would have worn something a little more professional than jeans and a t-shirt. Oh well, nothing to do about it now. I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to be mocked for my age.

"Okay everyone, I would like to introduce you to the rest of the team, this is SSA Morgan, SSA Prentiss, SSA Rossi, Dr. Reid and Dr. Kostaschuk. We have a profile of the unknown subject or unsub in this case." Hotch signalled for me to start

"The unknown subject, or unsub, is a white male, thirty to thirty five years old. He is what we call an organized sociopath. Its most likely that in his childhood he was abused by a female figure in his life, a mother or sister. This lead to his perception of all women being dirty. He fits into the upper class world, frequenting country clubs and upper class bars. In the course of the investigation he will inject himself into it. He won't be aggressive about it; he won't use his social status or wealth to inject himself, he will be a silent background volunteer. To others, he's your perfect neighbour, mows the lawn, volunteers in the community.

"For this unsub, it's all about charm and control. He meets these women in social settings; he dates them for a short period of time, then he asks them to come with him for a second, takes them into the alley and kills them. This is evident because the women he targets are too smart to follow a stranger into an alley. If the unsub and the victim were in a relationship, it would enable a certain level of trust. She would follow him into an alley at his request, whereas women of such a high social class would not just follow a random stranger. He's organized; he knows when he walks into that bar that the woman he picks up will be his next victims, and he specifically chooses the victims when he finds one that fits his type. He will be obsessed with the media coverage of the murders; this will be all he talks about.

"We know from the location of the crime scenes that the unsub lives in this area." I outlined the geographical profile blue tacked on the whiteboard "This is the unsub's comfort zone, the area where he works and lives. He will never commit a crime near his home, so the area where the murders are commited will outline an area where he lives. This gives us an area to search for the unsubs home. All the victims homes are around his safe zone too. This is where you will be canvassing, looking at bars, cafes and country clubs. These will be the social settings that the women met the unsub." I talked confidently and with disparaging glances at those cops who wouldn't stop talking. There were many glances of incredulity at me as I spoke and gazes began to move southward. I really wished I hadn't worn skinnies.

"Please, during your canvassing if you see or hear anything suspicious, contact any myself or anyone else on the team. Are there any questions?" Hotch asked politely.

"I got one" a police officer up the back drawled, "How old are you?" He pointed at me. I glanced at Hotch and he gave a slight nod.

"Twenty three years old. I hold two doctorates, can speak 5 languages and am extremely qualified in all areas of forensic psychology. Any further questions in relation to the profile?" I asked pointedly as the police officers looked at me in shock. "Thank you for your time" I walked over to Hotch after the cops began to move off.

"How did I do?" I asked Hotch warily.

"Good. You presented confidently and didn't flinch. That doesn't happen very often on a first presentation. I heard there was an incident at the body yesterday?" He didn't look mad, more proud but wary. I sighed.

"It was my first real crime scene, first murdered body. It's different than cutting open a cadaver, it's not clinical, its someone's life that's been taken from them because some wacko has a mental issue. It won't happen again"

"It's not a problem. Everyone has issues at their first body"

"Thank you for your belief in me sir" I said happily before walking up to the rest of the team. Today, now that Hotch was pleased with the work we had done on the geographic profile, we were interviewing families and friends. We were trying to find a common denominator when it came to relationships. We were splitting up into groups of two or three and going around to all our victims' homes: Spencer and I, Hotch and Emily, Morgan, Rossi and JJ.

Spencer and I were given three victims, same as Hotch and Em and Morgan, Rossi and JJ. We were visiting the homes of victims Amy Schiller, Janice Porter and Kirsten Daniels. Kirsten Daniels was the first known victim, and if she was the stressor then it may lead us straight to the killer. We were visiting Amy Schiller's family first. She had two sons and a husband when she was murdered and the fact that she was having an affair made this worse. The husband was struggling to maintain the family and couldn't give us much information about the affair. We moved on the friends of Janice Porter, who lived on her own without any children or partners. One friend admitted to knowing a new flame in her friends life but hadn't seen him. His name was apparently Patrick and she met him at the local country club. We rang Hotch and the families they interviewed mentioned a Patrick, and one of them gave a rough description of a tall, sandy blonde 30-35 year old male. We headed to the home of Kirsten Daniels and when we rang the doorbell a male answered the door.

"This is Nikita and Reid, FBI, may we come in?"

"Um okay" he replied. He was tall, taller than Reid, with sandy blonde hair and the most beautiful smile. Little did we know.

"So what was your relationship to Kirsten Daniels?" Generic questions always got some not-so-generic answers.

"We were newlyweds"

"Can you remember anything specific about the night Kirsten was murdered?" Reid asked politely as I slipped out my mobile and discretely texted Garcia to check Mr. Daniels alibi. He was the kind of guy I'd follow into an alley, sadly enough.

"Nothing much, just that I had only just gotten back from tutoring my neighbour's kid when I realized she wasn't home yet."

"And what time was that?"

"Around 9 pm" My phone discreetly buzzed, and Mr. Daniels became suspect number one.

"Thanks for your time, Mr. Daniels. We'll be in touch" Reid and I left, got into our SUV and waited.

Eventually, he'd go to where-ever he took the women to entertain them, and when he did we'd arrest him. Half an hour later, he left the house and started down the street. Reid followed at a discrete distance, taking round about roots when possible. Eventually, he arrived at a country house and we drove to the next property down. The rest of the team was on their way as we approached the house, guns drawn. We cleared the bottom level and Reid made his way up the stairs. He opened the first door and I entered with my gun drawn. When Reid made his few steps into the room, I faced the wardrobe and suddenly the door flung open and Mr. Daniels launched himself at Reid with his knife ready to stab. I aimed in a millisecond and shot him, once, twice. I ran over to him and Reid kicked his knife away. Acting on auto, I checked his pulse. It was still beating softly and I quickly applied pressure to the wounds that were now pouring blood.

**Song: Tell Me Why by Taylor Swift**

_I took a chance,_

_I took a shot,_

_And you might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not,_

_You took a swing,_

_I took it hard,_

_And right here from the ground I see who you are._

"Come on, come on, don't die" my heart was beating a million miles a minute as I thought through things that could have gone differently. Spencer was talking furiously to Hotch on his phone.

I didn't want to be a killer on my 3rd day on the job; I didn't want to have a death on my hands. Not yet, I wasn't ready. I cpouldn't have this. No. I tried so hard to save him, like I was saved. It didn't matter he was a killer. He was human, and I needed to feel human. To be human, I needed to save him.

The blood stopped running over my fingers and I knew he was gone. Damn it. I felt so exhausted, too tired to do anything but keep moving. My hands were red, so red it was all I could see. My vision blured hot with tears. Reid pulled me up as one tear softly made its way down my face. Wiping it away, I wiped a smear of blood onto my cheek. My heart throbbed painfully in my chest as I felt the warm life-blood on my cheek. he was on me, the man I had killed was on my hands and face. I felt so dirty, so vile. The team burst in, guns all drawn, and I cried a few more tears. Gosh I was useless! Ugh! Couldn't even to my freaking job without breaking freaking down. They must have felt so angry at me, for not being strong. I was furious at myself! Emily pulled me into a hug and that was almost as surprising as anything. I was in shock. I didn't know how I felt. It was confusing. I wasn't used to being weak.

We were back at the station and I sort of stumbled into a side room that Hotch had set his office up in. I just wanted privacy for a few minutes. I sat and prayed. I needed some sort of guidance; to reassure myself what I did was right, that there was no other way. Hotch walked in and my head snapped up, tear streaked from where I had hung it to pray. He looked startled, but then backed slowly out with a small smile on his face. I finished up and opened the door to leave his office when he intercepted me and lead me back.

"Nikita, what happened today was not your fault, it was in no way preventable and you saved Reid's life," he looked 100% dead serious.

"I just…don't know how to feel. I knew that taking a life would be an eventuality of this kind of career, and I thought I had prepared myself for the possibility. I guess, I just needed to straighten things out between me and God"

"Well, no matter what, I am proud of the way you have conducted yourself on this case. A job very well done and I'm proud to call you my agent"

"Thank you sir." I left his office only to be whisked away to my hotel room by JJ and Emily with very serious expressions on their faces. Apparently, they had something super-top-secret to tell me and it made me slightly worried.

When we were settled on the bed, looks passed between Emily, Garcia and JJ. "What?"

"Well…" Garcia tried to start but JJ held up a hand.

"Reid and I, well, we…" She trailed off, trying to find the right words. "We had a thing…not a sexual thing…but close. It ended only a few weeks before you came. Will and I had a rough patch and it sort of just happened and…"

The look on Nikita's face stopped the girls. She was furious, angry as hell. She got up suddenly, putting her glass on the bedside with alarming force and yanked open the door between her room and Reid's. This was not going to be pretty.

_I walked in to see him on top of Sarah. My heart crumbled as the man I loved ripped the shirt off of one of my friends._

_"You SOB!" I screamed at him, my palms getting sweaty. I should know better by now than to yell at him. I couldn't help it though. I put up with his shit all the time, and he treats me like this! Sarah grabbed her shirt and ran from the room speedily, a guilty look thrown back at me. My head spun as I saw the expression on his face._

_"I was ENJOYING THAT!" he screamed at me and slammed me back into the wall. The bruises from a couple of days ago complained painfully at this abuse. "You WILL NOT QUESTION ME!" he slapped me across the face and I fell to the floor, tears in my eyes. He grabbed my hair and threw me into the other wall. "I will do what I want and you will do what I say, thats the deal." he whispered angrily in my ear as he kicked me in the stomach. He kicked and kicked and kicked. I could feel my ribs crack slowly at the aggrivated kicks. Damn girl, why the hell don't you just leave? Because I can't, argued my heart, I love him._

I walked in to see him packing his bag. He might as well have been ontop of JJ for all I cared. My hands twitching, I stood there untill he turned slowly around to face me. Coward. How DARE he! Its like everything he did was just to PROVE that all men were like Peter. I'm not going to stay quiet this time. No more will I be the victim of manipulative men. Reid was just another SOB who thought he could get into my pants. "YOU AND JJ!Is this what I'm all about for you, you SOB! I'm just some woman you barely know to fall back on when you break up with another girl? Do you even know what it cost me to open up to you? Did you even care?"

Morgan could hear the screams and insults from his room at the end of the hall and he made his way to the room where the sounds originated, Reid's room.

"Listen, its nothing like that…" Reid tried to defend himself meekly, hands raised as if in defence.

"NO! YOU LISTEN TO ME. I had no control over what I felt for you! It was instantaneous chemistry. After last night! Why is this the first time I'm hearing about all this? Don't I at least deserve to know? Do I mean so little to you?"

"NO!" he grabbed my forearms and shook me, "I feel a lot for you!"

"But you're still in love with her?" I couldn't think, couldn't breathe. I could see his eyes, boring into me. Suddenly a great saddness swept over them, like a veil. I know the answer before it was out of his mouth.

Spencer knew what this was going to do to her. Damn, every profiler in the room knew what this would do. For once, the sentiment of 'you can't handle the truth' was correct. Nikita, right now, couldn't handle the truth. But he had to say it. He couldn't lie to her, she would know. She always knew.

"Yes." It was barely a whisper, but it shattered my whole heart. I slapped him, then and there, straight across his cheek. The whole team was watching this spectacle and Morgan grabbed me roughly around the waist and pulled me out of Reid's room and into his own.

"I just…I WANT TO SCREAM! I WANT TO HURT HIM!"

"Hit me" he responded. I did. I punched him and yelled and kicked the walls. I nearly fell into a crying heap but he caught me and held me into his chest as I sobbed away my heart. It was not fair; I was not some naive idiot. It's what he made me feel like! He didn't have to right to make me feel like crap. Morgan shushed me softly until my tears ran dry and I sagged against him. He stretched across his bed and I laid my head on his hard chest.

"I'm sorry" I mumbled, tracing patterns on his shirt, ashamed I had hurt him in my rage.

"Its no problem, I'm here for you." The rest of the team walked in and congregated around the bed.

"Reid…he should have told you" Hotch crossed his arms and leaned against the back wall as he spoke. "I'm not going to report you"

"Thanks" I sniffed, "I told you Rossi, It's never worth it"

"What exactly did he say that upset you so much?" Rossi hadn't heard the whispered last word.

"I thought we were something…different…more…I don't know but I opened up and I trusted him. Last night I slept in his bed. I haven't done that since the good days with Peter and me. Then when Jaje told me…I asked him if he still loved her. He said yes. He was just jerking me around on a string the whole time. I was just some fill in when he couldn't have JJ. That's what made me hit him. I'm no body's warm body." I got up from the bed and ran my fingers through my hair. "I'm going to go pack". JJ gave my arm a squeeze I walked out of the room.

"Well, that was more dramatic than I thought it would be" Rossi said wearily. He had spent at least 10 minutes reassuring Reid that Niki just needed space. After that parting statement though, he wasn't sure how much it would take for Niki to open up to Reid again, if she even ever did. The plane ride home was awkward, Nikita purposefully sitting on the opposite side of the plane. JJ, Emily and Morgan sat with her. Reid was on the other end with Hotch and Rossi.

"What am I going to do?" Reid looked so hopeless.

"Tell her last night was the best night of your life" Rossi suggested cheekily, somehow managing to keep a straight face.

"What?" Reid was thoroughly confused.

"He's suggesting that you and Niki had sex" Hotch supplied for him.

"But we didn't…we might have if it wasn't that she was so religious…but we haven't"

"He knows" Hotch was well used to Reid's romantic ignorance.

"Oh, you were making a joke"

"Yes I was"

"But seriously, what am I supposed to do?"

"Flowers and after 3 wives, I should know"

"Flowers do work" Hotch affirmed.

"Black roses" Reid nodded to himself.

"Black?" Hotch glanced over at Nikita curiously.

"Black roses are her favourite."

The couple that fights the most is the one most in love... it shows they care enough to notice the other one screwed up and care enough to mention it to the person so they can fix it. When you stop fighting it means you stopped caring.

**Shawna Waltemyer**


	11. Chapter 10: The Epic of the Game

**Chapter 10: The Epic of the Game**

Turns out if you never lie, there's always someone mad at you.

**Scott Westerfeld**

**Song: Stranger by Secondhand Serenade**

_Turn Around_  
_Turn Around and fix your eye in my direction_  
_So there is a connection_  
_I can't speak_  
_I can't make a sound to somehow capture your attention_  
_I'm staring at perfection_  
_Take a look at me so you can see_  
_How beautiful you are_

_You call me a stranger_  
_You say I'm a danger_  
_But all these thoughts are leaving you tonight_  
_I'm broke and abandoned_  
_You are an angel_  
_Making all my dreams come true tonight_

_I'm confident_  
_But I can't pretend I wasn't terrified to meet you_  
_I knew you could see right through me_  
_I saw my life flash right before my very eyes_  
_And I knew just what we'd turn into_  
_I was hopeing that you could see_  
_Take a look at me so you can see_

I couldn't breathe without a burning pain. I couldn't feel my fingers tapping endlessly. I could see them moving but it didn't seem to register. It was like my mind wasn't inside my body. My heart hurt, but it was probably the muscles in my chest pained from my rasping breath. My toes hurt from kicking the wall in bare feet. My knuckles hurt from hitting the bed posts and Morgan's hard abs. My head hurt from crying so much. I hold nothing against JJ. It was hard to think that the lips I had kissed, the taste I had loved, the body I had held and had held me had held JJ. At the same time, I could see them kissing in my mind's eye and it was so cute it started my hyperventilating again. Pull yourself together woman! You're better than this! He can't get the best of you like this! I mentally slapped myself. When the plane landed, Morgan drove me home. He offered to stay but I needed some time alone, with just me. I changed into my PJ's and slipped on my house slippers. I had just turned on "One Republic" and drowned my sorrows in some fried vegetables and tofu with a sprinkle of oil and some basaltic vinegar. I was cleaning off my plate when the knock sounded on the door.

The flower store was the busiest he had ever seen it. Walking in, he requested the biggest bunch of black roses he could.

"That'll be one hundred dollars, sir" his eyes bugged at the price but he keyed in his pin readily. Taking the large bouquet he opened the door to his blue vintage and got in. He put his hands on the steering wheel and reflected back to the past couple of weeks. Her beauty astounded him every time she glanced his way. A small part of him still loved JJ, and he knew that it always would. But when Nikita had thrown him that first glance across the bull pen, he knew from then. Turning the key with a new conviction, he pulled out of his parking spot. What they had, it had to be more than this.

It was a hesitant knock, and before I even looked at my door camera, I knew who it was. Opening the door, I stood between the door and the doorframe, blocking his entrance.

"What do you want?" I was hostile and I saw him momentarily flinch.

"I brought you roses" he said softly, producing a huge bouquet of black roses from behind his back. I loved them, and I opened the door wider and let him in. I returned to washing my plate, a little more vigorously than before. He passed me my juice glass and I washed it too. He took it from me and wiped it up, like he had done for the plate. I put the roses into a vase I had and sat them in the middle of my small table.

Reid catalogued her house, noting her nervousness. She kept her place clean, neat and organized. It was a small apartment, but big enough for one person. She had a small kitchen, with stainless steel appliances. Her lounge room featured a big TV and an antique mahogany coffee table. She had a teak dining table big enough for two, with the roses now the centre piece. They had cost him a fortune, being close to $100. Most of her wood furniture was dark woods, with a red rug in the lounge room.

"You want a tour?" she smoothed her two sizes too big "CSI: Can't Stand Idiots" shirt and fidgeted with a strand of loose hair.

"Sure" there were signs of wealth in the house, yet she had told them she wasn't extremely wealthy. Strange. There was no need to lie to the FBI, I mean Rossi was wealthier than whole team put together. A lot of agents came from affluent backgrounds. Emily and her family were just one example.

"The kitchen, dining and lounge, obviously" she gestured around the open space. "In here" they took a few steps to the bathroom, "Is the bathroom"

She led him up cream carpeted steps to the second level. There was another bathroom and two bedrooms. "This is my work-in-progress library" she opened the door to the first room and he gasped. There must have been at least 50 huge taped-up boxes of just books. Even he didn't own that many. The first box was labelled "my books- Isabella Wright". He had heard of the author, she had released an extremely popular trilogy a few years ago. She was only 15 at the time of her first release. He had enjoyed the author's works; there was a vibrant feel to her descriptions of the various worlds her characters visited and her plotlines and characters were always spot on.

"This is impressive" he noted her guilty look.

"I splurge a lot on books. I have every genre, every kind of book you could want. Children's, Crime, horror, thrillers, fantasy…yea" She led him past the second bathroom, into the master bedroom. She had a large 4 poster fairy-tale bed, with a canopy. The duvet was a deep red, the pillows with intricate embroidery. It must have cost close to $2000 dollars. He just didn't get it. Where did the money come from?

"So, you own a very beautiful chess set I see." It was on display in the lounge room and he would die to play with it.

"Why yes I do. It's made out of chiselled glass with inlaid alabaster. Want to play?" her manner was icy, stiff.

"What about a bet?"

"What kind of bet are we talking about?"

"If I win, you actually listen to me about the JJ thing. If you win, you can kick me out."

"Fair enough, lets play."

For the next hour or so, I played chess against Spencer. We were down to the last few pieces, and I thought I had him just where I wanted him. My brain was working over-drive predicting every possible move. He lifted his delicate hand, moved his bishop and quietly pronounced the fatal words.

"Check mate."

I was stunned. How had I missed that move, it was staring me in the face. I had thought through every minor, intricate move. However, I missed the most obvious one. Typical. I huffed and he smiled triumphantly.

"Now please listen to me?" he got up, offering me his hand and we went and sat on the couch.

"So…" I wanted to rest my feet on his knees, but instead I curled them underneath me.

"When Will and JJ had a rough patch, Will took some time away, went back to the New Orleans, partied with some friends and got his head screwed back on straight. JJ was left with Henry to take care of and her job. She nearly went crazy. I helped her out, took care of her and Henry. JJ and I, we got close. One time, a few days before Will came back, the team and I were at a bar. JJ and I danced, we kissed, something nearly happened but JJ stopped me. Told me it couldn't be long term and that if Will came back there wouldn't be any choice. We kissed some more and left it at that. Will came back and there really never was any competition. I knew that, we parted on good terms. We never…y'know…did it"

I breathed out a sigh and rested my head against his shoulder, exhausted. It had been a huge day. I fell asleep, then and there, on my massive sofa in Spencer's arms.

He smiled down at his long haired beauty. There was no way he was ever going to give her up without a fight. She was too special, too important. He lay down and she sleepily adjusted, lying on top of him. He could feel her whole tiny body move softly as she breathed, and it was an amazing feeling. He needed her. He didn't have a choice and he knew he never really did. By that first glance at the BAU, he was captivated. He could never give her up. Never ever. His arm tightened around her waist and he quashed thoughts about the statistics of surviving workplace relationships. It was 6 in the morning when her phone firmly announced "it's your mum, yea its your mum! Quick, a text from your mum!" it played it 3 times. He started up, realizing she was no longer onto of him. In fact, he could hear her in the kitchen, making coffee. He picked up her phone and went to enter the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway and watched as she danced to the radio while making an omelette.

"_You change your mind, like a girl changes clothes, yea you PMS like a bitch I would know, and you, always think, always speak, cryptically, I should know that you're no good for me-e-e_" I sang as I spun around with two coffee mugs to the espresso machine. I froze when I saw Spence watching me. Great, now my boyfriend knew I sang. "_Yea your hot then your cold, your yes, then you're no, you're in, then you're out, you're up, then your down_." I laughed as I sang right up to him with two mugs of steaming hot coffee. I kissed him lightly, and started to skuzzle my hot caffeinated beverage.

"You have a text from your mom by the way" he said innocently and I nearly laughed my coffee out my nose.

"It's JJ, not my mum." He looked royally confused. "I set my ringtone to say she's my mum because she's like the mother of the team"

"Oh," he laughed. "I guess you got it right there"

"I always got it right," I flirted lightly and checked my phone. "We've got a case."

His heart dropped a notch. What was it this time, beaten children, dead teenagers, tortured mothers? She almost sensed he was dreading the case.

"It's a criminal interview" she said softly, soothing his anxiety. He breathed out sharply. As long as they didn't look like her, he'd be fine.

If I know what love is, it is because of you.

**Herman Hesse**


	12. Chapter 11: Hottie

_A/N_

_*ducks flying rotten fruit* I'm sorry! I confess to the sin of not updating in a few weeks! I will never do it again! *phew* Lots of reviews (3) for the last chapter, looking to increase this number to 5+ so click the little link in the end...just because your awesome._

_Disclaimer: *black men in suits stand behind me, looking ominous* Sadly, I do not own Criminal Minds, I am not fabulously rich because of this story and I did not mean this as an offense to any practicers of Voodoo._

Chapter 11: Hottie

For you see, each day I love you more. Today more than yesterday but less than tomorrow.

**Rosemonde Gerard**

**Song: Bliss by Muse**

_Everything about you is how I wanna be  
Your freedom comes naturally  
Everything about you resonates happiness  
Now I won't settle for less_

Give me all the peace and joy in your mind

Everything about you pains my envying  
Your soul can't hate anything  
Everything about you is so easy to love  
They're watching you from above

"The Californian State Prison needs help interrogating Fredrick Maine, the bald head killer. They managed to catch him before they needed our help, but they only have the locations of four of his suspected eight killings. They want us to help get the rest of the dump sites from him. He kills blonde women, twenty to thirty and shaves their heads, taking the hair with him. He then makes what appear to be miniature dolls out of the hair" JJ told us as she briefed us.

"Voodoo" I said suddenly and everyone jumped, "These are Voodoo dolls used to enslave spirits to ensure that the bearer can enter Hell's gates and return to the mortal world" the room turned to stare at me and I smiled sweetly back. "The innocence is only an illusion" I joked.

"So uses their souls to cheat death?" asked Emily, after the chuckles subsided.

"It could just be a specific ritual he has to perform in order to relive the experience later on" suggested Morgan.

"Well, either way, we're going to find out" said Hotch. "Plane in thirty"

When they arrived, there was no time for idle chit chat. This was what I had always wanted, so I kept up with Morgan and Emily as they entered the observation room. From there I watched Hotch and Rossi enter the interrogation room. Thirty minutes later, they left, having gained nothing. Hotch walked into the room and sat down.

"We need to get this guy talking. Anything about his murders" Hotch pondered.

"Let me in there" I requested.

"No offence Niki, but you don't have the skill to interview and interrogate him. You only just started"

"No, not to interview him, that's what your good at. Think about his victims, they were early to late twenties, with really long blonde hair. I want to make him a deal. He's obsessed with long blonde hair, so logically letting me make a deal with him would be the easiest way to get the information we need."

"What sort of deal are we talking about?" he asked, considering the idea.

"When I walk in there, he's going to be so focused on me, he'll want nothing more. Even keeping his victims graves a secret won't be as strong a need as his need for the hair. This is because his specific need for at least completing some small part of his Voodoo ritual will be so strong and it will also help him relive the experience of his kills..." I glanced around self consciously. I didn't want to seem stuck up or out of place or a know it all or desparate to prove myself. I just also didn't want this guy to only go down for a minority of the murders he really committed.

"Keep going" Morgan encouraged, sensing my reasons for the silence.

"Well, I offer that he gives us the first three dump sites, we send a team out there to verify that he's telling the truth, then he is allowed one minute to play with my hair or something." I said that bit very fast and blushed slightly. It was just awkward to say, even though logically it made sense in my brain. The interogation room was well worn and looked almost expired. It was as if it needed to be thrown out. Actually, a bit of paint and some new carpet...my thought train went of in a tandem before I pulled myself back to the matter at hand. "He then tells us the other two dump sites. He won't lie about them, because it could jeopardize his chance of me staying in the room for longer" I finished, looking around. JJ and Emily we're appraising me with new eyes, Spencer had a worried, shocked expression on his face, his eyes seemed to be searching for some meaning to the madness. Rossi, Hotch and Morgan looked at each other.

"Hotch, it makes sense." Rossi said, "We're not going to get anything out of him if we don't"

"I don't want him anywhere near her!" Spencer said strongly. I turned and glared at him, and he clamped his mouth shut.

"I agree. It's too risky, what if something goes wrong? He could just as easily overpower her as he could breathe" said Morgan protectively. i scoffed. I'd like to see him try and take me down!

"I'm not easily overpowered as you might have seen in my physical if you were paying attention instead of just oggling" I assured him teasingly. "If we don't do it, that's five or more families that will never get closure" I asserted confidently.

"Fine. But only one minute, that will be hard enough." Hotch stared at me until I met his eyes. "Am I understood? You don't have to do this, if you don't want to just tell me now before it's too late."

"I'll be fine. It's for the victims, for the families. Protect and Serve." I said quickly and firmly. It wasn't that I wanted to prove that I was better than anyone else, but I wanted to prove that I was just as good. I took a quick, deep breath and left the room for a second, to get ready to play my part in this charade.

I quickly went to the washroom and took my hair out of its tight ponytail. I ran my fingers through it, and quickly unbuttoned the top two buttons on my shirt and made my eyeliner darker. I looked really different, like a dangerous kind of sexy which was what I was aiming for. He picked his victims up from nightclubs where they would have been dressed similarly to what I was now portraying. I walked out of the washroom and Spencer just stopped and stared as I walked past. JJ, standing next to him, clicked her fingers in front of his face. It didn't work, so Emily slapped him across the back of his head.

"OW! What was that for?" he asked indignantly.

"We need your head in this. Not your heart" Emily said firmly.

"I can't help where my heart wants me to be" he said longingly.

"And where is that?" Emily asked

"Stopping this" Spencer said. "We're about to send an inexperienced newbie into an interrogation room to make a deal with a psychopath who may or may not practice Voodoo"

"Take a breath. She'll be fine. Hotch and Morgan are with her"

I met Hotch just outside the interrogation room door. Taking one deep breath, I walked through the door Hotch held open for me. I saw him, the killer, glance up and instantly I could see his eyes trail over my body and my hair was all he looked at. It shimmered in the lighting of the small room and I could see him stare past me to the mirrored wall then back to my hair. When the door swung closed, I felt slightly claustrophobic.

"So what's your name, blondie?" he asked me.

"A lot of people call me Niki" I said alluringly, putting on my best sexy voice.

"Well look at you Niki, your hair is mouth-wateringly shiny" he seemed so fixiated, so entranced. Almost the same way Spence looked when I said something smart.

"You're not most people, so you can call me Nikita" the same voice, but with a cold undercurrent.

"OH, hottie's got a mouth on her. Better watch out, that's what got the others killed" kis eyes sparkled as he winked at me. I surpressed a shudder.

"I'm here to make you a deal."

"Only if I get to touch your hair" he said, leaning across the table, a slight amount of spittle building up around his lips.

"You might, if you tell us where three victims of your other five victims are" said Hotch fiercely, trying to divert the killers attention. I exhaled sharply as Hotch described the terms of the deal. Fredrick disagreed.

"Two minutes with her hair or you'll never find the victims!" he exclaimed

I could almost feel the tension in the room, and I could almost see the rest of the team standing at the window when I glanced back. I smiled alluringly as both the killer and Hotch thought it over.

"That's fine Hotch, I look forward to it" I gave him a small nod. I was in for hell after this.

"Fine" he gave me one stern glance. He had strictly said only one minute! But what could he do now? "Do you agree to the deal?" Hotch said, wondering if this was a good idea.

"Done. But Nikita stays in the room while you make sure I'm telling the truth, then she stays when you are checking those last two sites. I want it in writing. But Nikita stays here." Hotch nodded and I put on my best calm face, pretending to admire my hair. Hotch tapped on the glass and called 'Garcia'. A few minutes later, Morgan entered the room and passed Hotch the deal. I then signed it, my hair spilling over the table as I wrote. Fredrick reached out to stroke it but Morgan grabbed his wrist.

"No way, that's not in the deal" Morgan said harshly. I smiled gratefully at him.

"First victim is in the Third Street Cemetery, on top of my mother's grave. Second victim is next to the first, on my sister's grave. Third is buried next to my wife's sister's garage. Send your fastest team, I don't want to wait much longer for this" Fredrick said, his hungry eyes always staring, running his eyes up and down me. For the first ten minutes, Hotch sat in the interrogation room with me so I wouldn't have to be the only one sitting at the table with Fredrick. I appreciated the moral support he offered. After a while, Hotch whispered in my ear that he was going to see what Garcia had been able to find on his family, and what Emily, Spencer and Rossi had seen in his behavior. JJ was just standing there, watching me have to make the choice that she made once, but Hotch had beat the psycho at his own game. She admired Niki's courage, knowing how hard she had had it for most of her adult life, even though she was barely twenty three. Mergan leant aon the back wal, arms crossed, phone in his hand. His expression was furious, almost internally frustrated. Five minutes later Hotch entered the room and sat down.

"You told us the truth" he said to Fredrick, then glanced at me. I knew there was no way I was legally getting out of this, but for the sake of the victims, I didn't want to. We needed to find those last two victims. I stood up, and then sat back down on the table facing away from him. I didn't want to look in his face as he ran his hand through my long, lustrous hair.

"You can start now" Hotch said as he pressed a button on his watch. Fredrick reached up his hands and began combing through my hair, playing with it, letting it fall over his fingers. I kept my face impassive as I stared into the glass, letting the horror show on my face only once. It was disgusting knowing that the hands that touched my skull had killed other women just like me before.

On the other side of the glass, Spencer was so anxious he felt like collapsing. She looked so scared and horrified yet determined. He just wanted to go through the glass and take her small body away from all the pain and horror. The hardest thing was knowing that he couldn't, and that fact killed him and tore him up inside.

After what seemed like a century, Hotch suddenly pulled Fredrick's hands out of my hair.

"Times up" he announced. "Tell us where the other two are"

"They are in the back parlour of the Voodoo Enchantments store on Gregarious Creek Avenue" he admitted, then after only a few moments, Morgan picked up his ringing phone.

"You're kidding!" he exclaimed incredulously, "yeah that's right, alright thanks" he hung up. "Hotch there were seven women behind that Voodoo store"

"So that is why you made Voodoo Dolls out of the victim's hair, it was a clue to where their bodies were. But then your little cemetery got too full, so you needed a new burial ground. Then you started just leaving them where they could be found. But you slipped up, Freddy, because your little Voodoo gods can't protect you here." My face filled with hate and disgust I got up, but the Bald Head Murderer grabbed my hand and asked

"Was it as good for you as it was for me?"

"I doubt it considering you make me sick to my stomach" I retorted, trying to wrench my hand free. He held on so tight my fingers turned blue so I twisted his arm around behind his back until he yelped with pain and I walked out of there, Hotch's hand on one shoulder, Morgan's hand on the other. When I entered the interrogation room, Garcia rushed up and hugged me, followed by JJ, and then Emily finally had her turn. Rossi stood with Spencer, who didn't comfort me at all, too afraid of upsetting me more. "Hey Em, can I borrow your hair brush? I left mine on the plane."

"Yeah of course!" she said, rummaging through her bag and pulled out her hair brush.

"Thanks" I said as I left the room. I then stood outside the door for long enough to hear Hotch saying he wasn't sure if I'd be okay or not.

"I was over her place last night, and she is seriously loaded. The bank statements Garcia pulled didn't show it. She really tries hard for this job and I really like her, a lot. I hope she's going to be okay." Spencer said with a sigh. I walked quickly away from the door, and entered the bathroom. I brushed my hair back up to its usual ponytail and removed some of the eyeliner. At that point, Emily walked in.

"Hey, are you okay?" she asked, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"All those women, exactly like me and their lives just gone, disappeared. Makes me wonder what was ever really special about me all this time."

"It takes a special person to do what you did then." Emily replied

"Thanks" I said with a small smile as I buttoned up the top two buttons of my shirt. I looked like me now and it comforted me slightly.

A man of courage is also full of faith.  
**Marcus Tullius Cicero**


	13. Chapter 12: Escape

**Chapter 12: Escape**

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

**Mark Twain**

**Song: In the arms of the Angel by Sarah McLaughlin**

_In the arms of the angel_

_Fly away from here_

_From this stone cold hotel room_

_And the endlessness that you feel_

_You were pulled from the wreckage of your silent revelry_

_You're in the arms of the angel_

_May you find some comfort here_

I was sitting on my own on the plane listening to some of my music. I have a very selective taste that others generally don't like, but I didn't really care. I have always believed that you are who you are and you shouldn't change that for anything. At that point Hotch sat down opposite to me.

"How do you feel?" he asked quietly. Even though he tried to be discreet, the volume and amount of conversation died down as they listened in.

"I keep feeling like he's still there, playing with my hair. Ghost fingers I call them sometimes. It was just creepy, even though it was my idea, the only workable idea, I just can't seem to grasp that I've been touched by hands that have killed women like me." I stared out the window, looking at the world going by underneath me.

"Then all you can really know is that I am proud of you, the whole team is. What you did today was good, not job wise. People wise" he said sincerely, putting a hand on my arm.

"You and I are very similar you know" I said pensively.

"How are we similar?"

"Can I quote something to you?" when he nodded I continued, "It's long gone, baby, its all gone. There's no-one on the corner and there's no-one at home, well if it's cool, cool, it was just all cool now it's over for me and its over for you."

He gave me a questioning look. "Matchbox 20, How far we've come. We have all given up everything we know and love, family included, to be here."

I sighed and looked back at Spencer, who was busy making coffee.

"He really likes you, you know" Hotch said to me.

"But I was drunk! I didn't know what I was doing! I think he just kissed me coz I kissed first, not because he likes me. I really do love him, but I didn't think he thought that much of me. When he was over my place, he apologized. Bought me $100 dollars worth of roses." Hotch flinched. "Yea that's exactly what I thought, and even after all that, he didn't tell me he loved me. He didn't say a damn thing! Just that nothing really happened with JJ and he was sorry that he hadn't told me."

"Well, he does love you and if I were you then I wouldn't give up love like that."

"That's what Rossi said" I said slowly, and Hotch gave a small chuckle.

"Hey, can I sit there?" Spencer asked as he approached Hotch and I.

"Sure" I said.

"I'm going to go see how Emily is" Hotch said, discreetly leaving.

"I made you a coffee" he said as he sat next to me. I could feel the warmth of his body next to me. "Its' half a cup of coffee, quarter of a cup of milk, quarter of a cup of sugar, just how you have it four times a day" he said with a small smile.

"Thanks, but am I really that bad?" I said, taking a sip. It was the perfect balance, typical Reid. As I smiled at Reid, I knew he was always going to be around just as dependable as the team had vouched for and more.

"So I was thinking, if you keep feeling ghost fingers maybe if I ran my hands through your hair, it would counteract the other hands, the ghost hands."

"I'd like that" I said softly as I leaned my head on his shoulder. He put his arm over my shoulder and stroked my hair softly, holding my hand with his other hand. It was like bliss, feeling loved again. I was suddenly so tired, so weary. I leaned in and sat on his lap, and he held me as I slept against his chest. A few hours later, I was woken by Morgan knocking my head with a knuckle. My head had ended up in Reid's lap and both of us had fallen asleep, his arms still around me. I woke Spencer up and we got off the plane with the rest of the team. "Hey, can someone give me a lift home?" I asked to the team in general.

"I'm sure Spencer would love to" Morgan said with a sly wink.

"I can give you a lift" said Spencer, ignoring Morgan.

"Cool" I said to him, wondering what he expected to happen next.

When we got back to my house, I unlocked my door and let him in.

"You have a nice place" he said as I locked the door behind me. I walked over and grabbed the second spare set of keys to the apartment.

"Here, have these. If you ever need somewhere to go then I'm always going to be right here."

"Keys to your home? You love me that much?" he looked…happy.

"Its Hotch's rule, for someone on the team to have a set of your keys. Even if it wasn't yes, I trust you." I said looking up at the only face I wanted to see for eternity.

"I trust you too" he said softly, picking me up. Inches from his face, I wrapped my legs around his waist and kissed him softly. He wrapped his arms around the small of my back and kissed me back, putting me on my kitchen bench. His teeth nibbled on my bottom lip softly. I locked my arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. I wasn't used to this kind of love, where I needed him more than I needed air or water. He put my feet down on the floor and he moved me slowly against the wall, kissing me the whole time. We skipped up the stairs and stopped as I leaned back and pulled him onto the bed. I kissed him and as I did, I could feel his hand moving inside my shirt. It felt amazing, but I knew I couldn't. I untangled myself from him and moved to sit just on the edge of my bed. My bare feet dangled near the floor, brilliant purple nail polish glistening softly in the dim light. There was a chip on one of the nails and I made note to paint it again.

"What's wrong?" Spencer asked as he sat up and wrapped a tender arm around my waist.

"I can't Spencer, you know that. My religion won't let me. We have to wait, okay?" I was uncertain about my assertion. Would he really wait? He was a perfect kind of guy for any girl out there, even if he was socially awkward.

"Then we wait. That's not an issue. I love you, and I love your soul so we wait. My parents taught me the bible too, you know."

"Really?" I said, trying to imagine a younger Spencer. The mental imagery made me smile.

"Yes." He said serenely looking straight into my eyes. He kissed my nose and I giggled. "There we go, it's smiling!" he said, bright and happy like always.

"Mmmmm…I love you" I said as I kissed him sweetly. My heart beat faster as I waited for a response. His eyes flashed with shock then an unconceivable warmth.

"I love you too. Now sleep my love. I will be right here, always for you."

"Sounds like a plan" I said slowly before dropping off to sleep.

When I woke in the morning, I was lying across Spencer's chest and another mental note was made to remember to change into PJ's next time. As I woke, Spencer jerked awake. Seeing me, he clung onto my waist and kissed me softly.

"Morning love" he said, "The sun came to see you" I laughed lightly and got up.

"Do you have a change of clothes in your 'go' bag? You can't exactly go to work in the clothes you wore yesterday. What would the team think!" I asked jokingly. Half an hour later, Spencer and I were entering the elevator. As the doors closed I forced him against the wall and kissed him with fervour, knowing that I wouldn't be able to touch him all day, let alone kiss him at work. When the elevator pinged, I let him go unwillingly and he held my hand as we walked into the office area. We went to our separate desks and the separation was almost too painful. But I knew he was only a few feet away. When Morgan came in, Spencer jumped up and asked him for a chat.

"Hey kid what's up? Did you and Niki not get it on last night? Is that the problem?" asked Morgan jokingly as they walked across the office, but when he saw the shock on Spencer's face he stopped playing "You serious? She said no?"

"She said it was because of her religion, but I just feel like I've been rejected."

"Dude, That's just suck-ish! I can't imagine how good a fine specimen of the female species like her would be." His joking manner faded slowly. "I do she her point though, her religion is a part of her just like you are a part of her heart too. So you don't have to feel upset that she wants to honour both parts of herself." He said as he patted Spencer on the shoulder and left. Reid got up and sighed. He had been raised with the bible, but when his dad left him and his mum, he'd stopped believing in an eternal love. But Niki's faith just made him want to do a double take to see if maybe it is real.

I was checking my emails, sitting in the bullpen, living a life I was finally happy of, when my past comes to slap me in the face. An email from Steph first informed me that my psychopathic ex boyfriend was on the loose again, and then an email from the police told me to be on the lookout. I panicked, and ran to Hotch's office. Closing the door, I walked rigidly up to Hotch's office. Looking up from his paperwork I took the pen out of his hand and sat in his chair.

"What's wrong Nikita?" He looked worried. Well, I had just stopped him in the middle of doing his paper work and I can't imagine what my face looked like right now.

"I need a favour." Her voice was soft, worried and almost strained. What was wrong with her? Did she get into some sort of trouble? Did she make some drunken mistake?

"Anything." I was worried, but I would honestly do anything for Niki. Especially if she was in trouble. Maybe there was something wrong with Reid and her, or she was in legal trouble? The possibilities were endless and thoughts spun around in his head as he waited for her to gather her thoughts.

He had said anything, right? Even an Australian case? Yes? Maybe? No?

"Peter's escaped federal prison. I need him back behind bars."

"It's an Australian case, we have no jurisdiction." She could see doubt in his eyes, but concern for her marred his usually perfectly composed mask.

"You don't get it! The only reason I can be sane is that I know he's never going to be out there to hurt me again! As soon as I lose that, I am nothing! For 4 months, he made me feel like nothing, and now that I really am something, I'm going to lose that!"

"I'll push Strauss, JJ will make it a BAU case and we'll see if we can make it happen. Why don't you sit in Rossi's office for a while, calm down a bit?" He looked kindly at me, and I felt warm inside. I had a family, a team, that I hadn't known for long but they were already more of an integral part of my life than anything else.

"Thank you, you have no idea what it means to me for you to do this" she left and he met with Strauss and JJ as the day wore on. It was full steam ahead to work the case, they were leaving tomorrow. Hotch pulled his cell out of his pocket and scrolled down to the one number he had never called before. The one number he was only supposed to call when there was an emergency in the BAU. When someone Gideon knew was in crisis. When Hotch needed help. Gideon didn't know Nikita, but Hotch would need him on this case. He had such an intuition into people, it would be invaluable. Pressing call, he heard the dial tone once, twice, three times.

"Jason" the gruff voice brought memories flooding back. Memories of storm cellars and offender interviews. Memories of cases and drinks. Memories of dead bodies in apartments. Memories of Prentiss being hit over the head with a plank. Memories of getting Reid drunk so he might be able to numb the feelings of abandonment.

"It's Hotch"

"I told you not to call me unless it was life or death"

"I need you on this case"

"What is it that's so important?"

"There's a new agent on the team, Agent Nikita Kostaschuk. She's dating Reid, she's like a part of the family. She's 23 with 2 doctorates; she's like mixing Garcia with Reid and a dash of Emily. She's amazing, a genius like Reid, Quirky like Garcia and totally real-life smart, tough and dependable like Emily. She had an abusive boyfriend in university. He raped and killed 20 girls because Nikita wouldn't sleep with him. He then proceeded to attempt to rape and nearly killed Nikita. He got life and she got to America. He's escaped and I've just gotten news that he has already killed again, carving her name into the victim's stomach. The victim went to high school with her. Its going to be dangerous, and hard, and I really think we could benefit from having you with us."

"How amazing is amazing?" It was rare for Hotch to offer anyone praise above their level, so for him to call this new agent amazing she must really be something.

"Come and see" Hotch's rough voice offered over the phone. It was tempting, it really was. Gideon looked around his small log cabin. It had been many years since he had seen his old team, his old life. He had found a life here, but he had to acknowledge he used to have a life back there too. What would it hurt, seeing his friends again? He was curious about this new girl, it wasn't often that a new member joined the team and Hotch seemed to trust her. If she was good enough to win Reid's heart, she must be amazing. He flinched as he thought of the last time he had saw Reid. After all these years, he still felt guilty for leaving him the way he did. Deciding then that he needed to see his team, he sat down in front of his computer. He needed to book a flight, for tonight.

"I'll be in my tomorrow morning"

"Thank you."

Gideon hung up on Hotch and Hotch hung his head into his hands, rubbing his temples. This was going to be hell. He looked out to Emily, working studiously like she always did until he was ready to leave for the night. Should he really be bringing all this up again? Reid was going to be extremely sad, Morgan resentful, Emily perseverant, Garcia upset, JJ forgiving, Rossi questioningly annoyed. And him? He would do his job, like always.

I decided to spend the night alone, self comforting. The chocolate, chardonnay and chick flick came after the protein bean and veggie salad wrap. The chick flicks of the night were Legally Blonde shortly followed by Legally Blonde 2. I was rather enjoying my one-girl fest when JJ, Emily and Garcia texted me in short succession. Apparently, they were all coming over because they heard about the case. Twenty minutes later the doorbell rang and my video surveillance informed me that Garcia was waving at me with JJ and Em in the background. When I opened my door, I was bombarded with a mega Garcia-is-so-worried-about-you bear hug. I laughed as Emily and J chuckled and walked past me.

"So, once we've all settled down and had a few glasses, it's time for us to ask the girl questions!" The movie was playing softly in the background and we were all settled on my huge more-like-a-bed couch.

"Like what?" I was already finished half my glass.

"Like, how did you ever learn to skuzzle alcohol so quickly?" That was Garcia with the awesome terminology. They had all noticed the amount Nikita drank, but it didn't seem to affect her job or intelligence.

"I partied quite hard at uni sometimes"

"When was your first time?" Emily was really curious as to whether what happened with Peter was really just attempted.

"Um…" I blushed ripe red

"Never!" JJ was shocked.

"Never"

"23 year old virgin?" I could see she wasn't going to get over this fast.

"Exactly"

"What about you and Reid?" Emily asked with a strange look.

"Nope, he respects my beliefs" I truly and firmly believed that.

Emily was observing the apartment. It was quite nice, and that was an understatement. The furniture was expensive, the apartment bigger than Emily's but not as big as Hotch's. It was obvious she had money, and like Reid, she wondered where it came from.

"Where's the money from?" Emily asked me over her wine glass. I had some quite expensive wines on display in my kitchen, and maybe it was just a bit obvious in the way I decorated my apartment that I had (correction, did have) money. By now, I had spent most of it and I was working on my source of income.

"I'm a writer" I admitted. What was the harm in telling them?

"What do you write? Profiling books?" Garcia asked curiously.

"Oh no way, I write fantasy"

"Really?"

"Yea"

"What are some of your works?"

"Is that really how low we're running? I'll go grab some more chocolate" I not-so-subtly avoided the question. So maybe I didn't want them to know, and who could blame me? I was a reasonably rich author who was writing a new book to accompany her already published trilogy. My books had got me through uni, American university, bought me an apartment, food, furniture and I had donated some and put a lot away in huge term deposits. I didn't have a lot left from my original trilogy. Frivolous it may seem, but university was expensive and I gave a lot to charity. I try to be money smart, and along with the money I already had saved, out of my $1000 approximately I earn a week, I deposit at the most half and once I had enough I wanted to invest that as well. I grabbed more chocolate and another bottle and headed back into the lounge. Emily, JJ and Garcia had been frantically whispering and broke it off when I left the kitchen. Pouring us all a second glass, I broke some more chocolate and they started to ask the harder questions.

"What's Peter like?" It was a tentative question, posed by Garcia.

"_You might not want to drink so much coffee, I've heard it's bad for you" a joking voice came from behind me. I turned to see gorgeous blue eyes, a well balanced face with brown eyes. Got to love the guys you meet in the cafeteria._

"_I'm not exactly your poster girl for healthy lifestyle" I flirted back. I walked out of the cafeteria line with my coffee and this stranger followed me out, sitting at my table. He was over-confident, charming. Probably one of those guys who girls dropped their self respect for in a moment. He had an American accent, with a slight southern twang. American's were a plague at my university. The accent was extremely hot, most of him was._

"_What are you studying?" I tried to make short talk with this rambunctious stranger._

"_Environmental sciences, what about you?"_

"_Behavioural science"_

"_Whats your name?" He asked softly_

"_Nikita. Yours?"_

"_Peter. Peter Young"_

_(flashes forward several months)_

"_You...and me...my room...alcohol...music...sex..." He said aggressively as he kissed down my neck on the couch._

"_Peter, no" I pushed his head away from me. He should have known by now. We both got off the couch, he looked angrier than I had ever seen._

"_WHY NOT?" He yelled and pushed me back into a glass cabinet. It smashed as I crashed through the doors, glass pieces stabbing into my back. I gasped and then cried out in pain._

"_WHAT THE HELL!" I screamed back loudly._

"_You are MINE! You will do what I say!" He pulled me out of the smashed cabinet and I tried to twist out of his grip. I slipped my hand in my jeans pocket and called 1 on my speed dial, Steph._

"_Get off me" I twisted and squirmed and hit him, but to no avail. "Let me go, I'm bleeding, please..." I trailed off, beginning to cry._

"_Stupid B****" he threw me the wall and my cheek collided with a picture frame. The picture I had given him for our month-a-versary. Emily had drawn us together, back when this used to be love. "You never f***ing learn!" he kicked my legs and when I sank to my knees he started kicking in my back. I was going to die. After 3 months of this, he was finally going to kill me. I cried and he swore a little more. "Get out of my f***ing house, whore"_

_Even in all the pain, I took the opportunity to run. I took my phone out of my pocket._

"_Steph? You there?"_

"_I'm going to kill the f***ing bastard!"_

"_Don't. Please. Can you come get me? I need to get to the E.R."_

"_How bad?"_

"_Worse than last month." I could almost hear her flinch over the phone line. Last month he had broken a rib, we explained it away as a fall. The doctor had raised his eyebrows but accepted the lame excuse. Steph was so mad, she honestly wanted to kill him. I couldn't leave him, it would cause an escalation._

"_She's fallen into a glass cabinet, she can barely walk" Steph made her way to the front of the E.R., me clinging to her shoulder as I made painful grunts. They ushered my into a hospital bed and addressed my injuries._

"_So, didn't we sit in this same position last month, Miss Kostaschuk?"_

"_Dr. Rodgers, nice to see you again too"_

"_Well, we removed the glass pieces from your back, and apart from that it's just a lot of bruising. Is there something you might want to tell me?" He looked reproachful, like he just wanted me to spill my guts._

"_No, nothing doctor. When can I be discharged? I have a test in a few days I should be studying for..."_

"_When I say you can" he left slowly. I know he was trying to do what's right, and I had come to rely on his ways of caring but not being intrusive. Whenever I was in the E.R. he was always my doctor. He'd request me specially. I was in nearly once a week or so. My cell phone buzzed on the seat next to me. As I picked it up, I breathed in the lemony scent of the generic room._

"_Hey baby, I'm so sorry! Take me back, I never meant it. I love you"_

"_I love you too" my words were a choked whisper, a god forsaken plea for help. Steph raised her eyebrows but didn't say anything. It was the same routine, he'd bust me up, Steph would take me to emergency, he'd beg, I'd take him back, he'd promise not to do it again. Then he'd do it again._

I flashed out of my revere to see the girls watching me in concern. "Well, he has good and bad points. Good points: he's one of those gorgeous smart jocks, he was super sensitive, really cared, short blonde hair, loved AC/DC, was sweet to all my friends and family, good at sports (any kind), aced his classes. Bad points: as soon as we weren't around friends we was aggressive, abusive, obsessed with sex, he couldn't handle rejection, treated women like objects and of course there was that minor factor where he was a psychopath." I wiped a few tears away softly. Emily reached over and squeezed my hand.

"Peter escaped federal prison?" Garcia looked around paranoid.

"He's already killed again" JJ confirmed. I gasped.

I never yet heard man or woman much abused that I was not inclined to think the better of them, and to transfer the suspicion or dislike to the one who found pleasure in pointing out the defects of another.

**Jane Porter**

A/N

I know its been ages, but this is a huge chapter to make up for it! I'm sorry!

Please, review! The author is starving for well-rounded feedback, or even just a word or two? Feed the muse

Thanks, Nikita!


	14. Chapter 13: The Getaway

A/N

I am soooooooo epicly sorry. Please don't hate me? I went on camp, radical stuff happened in my life, my computer died then was brought back to life and then school went balistic on me. -_-' Now I'm back, and updating regularly. So sorry. Maybe re-read the last chapter to help it make sense? Sorry Sorrry Sorrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy

A/N over :)

Chapter 13: The Getaway

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.  
**AMother Teresa**

**Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol**

_All this feels strange and untrue_

_and I won't waste a minute without you_

_My bones ache _

_my skin feels cold _

_and I'm getting so tired and so old_

_The anger swells in my guts _

_and I won't feel these slices and cuts_

_Tell me that you'll open your eyes_

_Tell me that you'll open your eyes..._

"WHAT!" I started shaking. J looked shocked, realizing her mistake. Hotch must have sheltered her from it. "Who…?"

"A young woman called Amanda Carlson"

"NO!" I shouted at her. "NO! No, no, no, no, no, no, no…it's not right, it's not right, she's not dead, she can't be dead, it's not possible and you're lying. SHE'S NOT DEAD!"

"Calm...just breathe" Emily restraining hands stopped me from jumping at her. My eyes poured tears as I sagged back into the couch.

"She had a family, a young son! What's he going to do?"

"He's with your friend Emily, she's adopting him." I sobbed uncontrollably. She and I had hung out for 4 years. We had gone water boarding together with her family, we had gotten ready and gone to formal with our group. I had helped her pick a dress, combed her hair and fixed her makeup. I had cried with her when her boyfriend left, when she found out she was pregnant and helped her through the toughest years of her life. JJ rubbed my back, holding one hand and Garcia held the other. I grabbed and quickly poured myself a glass of tequila. I needed the pain numbed. I couldn't go on like this, feeling so painful. It had to numb.

Emily watched as Nikita took her second full glass of tequila.

"Niki..." she lifted her hand to stop her from drinking it.

"Don't" she growled as she sculled it.

"It numbs my pain" I said. We finished off my movie in silence, but I could tell they were put off from my explosion. The alcohol wasn't working. The pain was still there, I could feel it throbbing in my heart.

"_Girls, they wanna have fu-un oh girls just wanna have fu-u-un" I belted out into a hairbrush. I softly gathered the top layers of Amanda's hair and plaited them lightly, bobby-pinning it into her bun. She looked gorgeous, her soft red dress setting off her lighter red hair. I spun her around on the wheeled chair and picked up the makeup pallet. Gently I patted powder over her freckled face and applied a dusting of blush. Drawing on her eyeliner, I grabbed the red-pink eyeliner and blended it with the eye shadow as I worked._

"_It's gorgeous!" She exclaimed as whirled around to hug me softly. Emily sat me promptly in the chair and started on my hair._

"_So Mandy, how's Romeo?" I asked mischievously. She blushed furiously and laughed nervously._

"_There you go, perfect!" I laughed loudly._

"_Have I mentioned how much I hate you?"_

"_Love you too Mandy!"_

I laughed softly as Reese Witherspoon got the guy. The girls shot me a questioning look but said nothing. We were all too intoxicated to go anywhere so I grabbed them some extra blankets from the linen cupboard. I gave JJ and Garcia my bed and Emily and I could have to couch. Emily was setting up the blankets while I went and got changed. I had lent the girls some old sweatpants and bed shirts for the night. I went into the bathroom to get changed and it was then that I caught my reflection.

"Man, Girl! You look like crap" I put my hands on either side of the basin and looked softly up. It was my fault Amanda was dead. It was my fault that Jacob would have to grow up without her. It was my entire fault! If I had...I don't know...done something, all those years ago. If I hadn't been so self centred, maybe he never would have gotten violent. If I had only seen what he would have done, that time he asked, then I would have. I felt so dirty. Amanda's blood was on my hands, figuratively. I opened the cupboard and knelt down. I needed to feel alive. I found the small parcel I was looking for and stood up again, closing the doors. It had been years since I had done this, I shouldn't have to do it now.

"You swore yourself off this, Niki, you don't have to do it again. You're better than this" a small part of my brain attempted to reason with me. No. I wasn't better than anything. I didn't deserve what I had. I was nothing. With those thoughts I cut down hard on my wrist. Blood seeped quickly from the wound and I felt that longed for release. The physical pain reminded me I was alive, like when you pinch yourself after a dream to make sure you're awake. A tear seeped from my eye and I made a second cut, perfectly aligned with the first. It was almost relaxing, the physiological release of the cuts. Amanda didn't hurt so much now. There was a tension, a build up of anger and sadness. I released that tension through whatever means necessary. Psych 101. My breathing calmed and I packed away the razor blades again. I made the typical promise to myself, the one I make every time. I won't do it again. I tugged my long sleeved sleeping shirt over the cuts and brushed my hair.

Emily woke up to go to the bathroom later that night. They had gotten to bed at a reasonable hour, and now the early morning moon beamed through the window. As she lifted herself off the couch, she saw Niki mumble in her sleep and roll over, laying one palm face up on her side. Emily saw, as plain as day, two red cuts on her left wrist. Gasping, she ran a soft finger over them. One of the cuts beaded with blood and she grabbed a tissue and dabbed it away. She couldn't believe it. Well, actually she could, now that she thought about it. Niki drank so she can forget about her emotions, and when it doesn't work she cuts. That's why she is always the one with a glass. She drinks because she's nervous, upset, depressed, angry and sometimes just for fun. With those disturbing thoughts she went into the bathroom. There, around the rim of the drain in the sink, were traces of red.

When I woke, Emily was still asleep on the couch. I went upstairs and checked on Garcia and JJ, who were still fast asleep. I had a shower, the hot water scorching my skin before I realised I was shivering. Getting out of the shower, I dried my hair and pulled on a t-shirt and jeans, putting a wristband on my arm. I wasn't ashamed of my problem, but it would just be easier like that. I was making eggs on toast with tomatoes and cheese when Emily woke up.

"Coffee?" I asked her from the frying pan with a faked bright tone.

"Sure" she said guardedly from the other side of the room.

"Geez, I'm not going to break on you" I joked as I handed her the steaming mug a few minutes later.

"Are you so sure?" she asked suddenly, her eyes wary.

"Yes" I replied, touching my wrist instinctively. If all else were to crumble, I at least knew inside myself that I would never fail at this job. I'd invested too much of myself over too many years. JJ descended to staircase at that moment and I could tell she was in need of caffeine too. Making her a mug, I set it on the bench and headed upstairs mutely. Shaking Garcia, she literally jumped as she woke.

"God, Nikita what the hell is the time?" her bed hair looked amusing but I didn't comment.

"6. We have to be at the office by 7." Garcia got up tiredly and I headed out to the kitchen. After I served up the eggs and another batch of coffee, the girls headed to their respective places to change and we would meet at the office in an hour. I was going to Australia. After all this time, I was going back to finish unfinished business. I was going to see my BFFL's again, something I hadn't gone in nearly 5 years now. While packing my 'go' bag, I remembered to text the team to bring clothes for warmer weather. While it may be getting cooler here, in Australia it's getting towards the warmest months. I packed my bikini and boardies as well as the usual. By the time I caught the train and got to work, I was running slightly late. By 7:10 I was just getting into the bullpen and I stopped to see that I was one of the first here. I must have gotten the time wrong. Hotch exited his office with an older man at his side. When he glanced at me, I saw the brief flicker of original observance, but then kindness and, I guess you'd say, I could see a wise soul behind the kind demeanour.

"Nikita, this is Agent Jason Gideon"

"Hi! I'm Dr Nikita Kostaschuk. Just call me Nikita, my last names way too long for my own good." Her laugh was captivating, and her mannerisms clearly spoke of an extroverted personality. He could also see she was hurting, and he couldn't blame her. He knew what it was like to lose someone close. On top of that, she had to deal with catching the man who had abused her for, what he was sure, felt like an eternity to her.

"Sorry I'm late, sir" I read the initial report from the first investigation.

"No problem, lets start" he looked to JJ, who looked at Emily, who looked at me. I took a deep breath and JJ started.

"Originally, there were 20 victims, all late teens to early twenties: all with mid-length sandy blonde hair, same sort of facial features. They were all found on the various beaches of the Gold Coast raped, beaten and stabbed. A young woman came to the local police station and provided the police with a viable suspect, her boyfriend. He was arrested and eventually convicted. She had suffered violent and prolonged abuse. The killer, Peter Combes, has recently escaped jail. He has killed an old school friend..."

"Amanda wasn't just an old school friend. We were close, she was a good friend. He knew that."

"Okay, close friend of the girlfriend. Her name...this is really weird talking about Nikita like she's another victim."

"I am just another victim" I said softly. Glances came from the team, but Rossi looked the most worried.

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

**Robert Heinlein**


	15. AN

To anyone who reads this,

I am so terribly sorry. It has been nearly a year since I updated. I had abandoned this story, given it up as a bad job. I was slightly disgruntled by a lack of reviews compared to other stories I read. HOWEVER after re-reading this, I am going to continue it and complete it as I have most of it written on my computer. There will be some editing, and major plot changes, but this is inevitable as I have decided to move the story in a different direction.

Once again, I am heartily sorry, and beg forgiveness.

Sincerely, DrNikiRied.


	16. Chapter 14: Late Night Beers With Morgan

**Chapter 14- Late night beers, tears and fears.**

_A/N: Hey guys, new chapter continuing from where the story last left off. I know its been a while so a quick recap: 23 year old genius Nikita Kostaschuk joins the BAU and quickly Spencer finds himself captivated. However she is a lot more damaged than she seems. Between using an abusive ex-boyfriend/rapist/killer escaping from jail in Australia and her apparent alcoholism, Nikita's nearly over the edge. When we last left the team, Gideon had rejoined for this singular case and the team is on its way to Australia by special invitation from the Australian Federal Police._

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

**J. K. Rowling**,

_You will fly and you will crawl.  
God knows even angels fall.  
No such thing as you've lost it all.  
God knows even angels fall._

You laugh, you cry, no one knows why,  
But oh, the thrill of it all.  
You're on the ride,  
You might as well, open your eyes.

_Even Angels Fall- Jessica Riddle_

I splashed cold water on my face from the basin, trying to fight the ever swelling memories that threatened to break the surface of my subconscious. My head throbbed with a forming headache as I dried my face. Forcing the flashes of violent memories from my brain, I stumbled to the mini-bar, tripping slightly on the worn carpet of the hotel room floor. The flight from Quantico to California had been alright, but the 14 hour flight from California to Brisbane had been hell. I had gotten used to leg room on planes, but apparently FBI budget didn't cover luxuries like first class. It was economy for us. It felt like I was on the edge of a breakdown. Reaching for the bottle of tequila, I poured a generous shot and then started violently when I heard a knock on my door. Disregarding the peep hole, I inched it open to see Morgan standing in front of me, a concerned look in his eye and two beers in his hand. Perfect. I walked away from the door as he let himself in. I quickly shotted the small amount of alcohol and gasped as it burned fire down my oesophagus. You'd think that from years of using alcohol to get to sleep at night, I'd be used to it. Maybe some things never change.

"I was gonna bring over a drink but I see you started the party without me," Morgan joked, twisting open the tops of the beers and handing me one. I sat on my bed against my pillow and took a long draught. He sat on the other end of my bed, facing me.

"Yes, well, unfortunately for us ladies of the world, if we waited for dashing men like you to walk in the door before we had fun, most of us would never smile, let alone 'start a party'" I said with a groan.

"Fortunately for you, here I am" he replied with a wink. Things with Morgan were so easy, so simple. Having a small piece of sanity amongst the train wreck my life was slowly becoming.

"So, apart from sharing a drink with a lovely lady such as myself, what brings you knocking on my door, agent?" I said, taking another long sip.

"Must I have an ulterior motive?" He replied, feigning innocence.

"Yes" I said, deadly serious, until he raised a single eyebrow at me and I cracked up laughing. God it's been a while since I had a reason to laugh. Apart from Reid's physics jokes, they always got me. Surprisingly, most people didn't understand or didn't want to. They just had no idea what they were missing out on.

"How you holding up?" Morgan questioned, joking manner dropped. We had officially been investigating Peter for 2 days here in Australia, and we were getting close. Profiling where he'd go, who he'd still be in communication with, who he'd chose to target next. Most of my closer friends had a police officer staying with them around-the-clock. Tomorrow we were heading out to talk to Peter's closer friends and brother, as his immediate family hadn't heard from him and didn't want to. His mother had liked me when Peter and I were going out, and was so angry when she found out about the abuse and later the killings that she refused to speak with him. His father followed suit, as did his sister Janice. Edward, his brother, was still in contact and lived in his own apartment.

"I'm...I'm getting there I guess, I mean, its like I'm back in my old nightmare. At least, in America, I felt sort of safe. Its kinda strange though, because America has a much higher crime rate, but I still felt safer. I wasn't being attacked by people who should have protected me. Now, with you guys, I feel like I'm home, I'm safe, y'know? And its all been torn apart again. I don't know how much more destruction in my personal life I can handle. Not with work, but with myself. I mean..." I trailed off, quickly meeting Morgan's eyes. "This stays between us, right?" I was worried that if I opened up, everything would be relayed to Hotch and goodness knows how fired my ass would be then.

"Whatever you tell me is between two friends, not two co-workers. You can trust me Nikita, unconditionally." Morgan answered firmly and placed a hand on mine.

"Well, I mean with all this stuff with Peter, it definitely left its scars, both physical and emotional. Then there's me, and I have no idea how to deal with it; the guilt that ate away at my heart, the hurt, the mistrust. So, I drank. And I drank, and I drank, until I couldn't feel anything anymore, let alone hurt. Mentally, I knew it was a shit coping strategy. Emotionally, it was the release I was looking for. To not have to feel...you don't know how much of a relief it felt to not have to hurt anymore. But then there was sometimes, where the alcohol didn't work, where I was drunk but I felt so much worse than before. Onetime, I knocked over a glass bowl and it sliced my hand while I was pissed. Not a deep slice, but enough to cause pain. It gave me such a jolt, such a burst of...I don't know...clarity? I could explain why, scientifically, endorphins and adrenaline and what-not, but the more important thing to me was that nothing hurt anymore, just my palm. To me, it seemed an appropriate sacrifice, a small amount of physical pain in order to rid myself of the horrific pain inside my mind, inside my heart. See with the alcohol and the cutting accompanied the nightmares, horrible nightmares, taking memories and warping them into something sick, disgusting. I couldn't even escape from my own subconscious. So, when I moved here, I swore that I would stay off the drink, stay away from the razors and hopefully, I wouldn't be haunted by my nightmares anymore. Yet, I couldn't stop myself from drinking too much that first night out with you guys, and I can't seem to stop. I mean, not like a beer with mates, there's nothing wrong with that. But my tendency to drink myself into oblivion when I need to escape, that's what's wrong. I'm just scared, constantly scared, that I'm not going to wake up. That Peter will finally get the better of me."

I had a single tear running down each cheek and Morgan desperately looked like he just wanted to wipe away the hurt in her heart. He wasn't in love with her, or in like even, goodness no. But seeing his friend in this shape pained him, dearly.

"Nikita, we're going to catch this Son of a Bitch, and he's never going to be able to hurt you again. I promise you that. Now, we should both get some rest. When this is all over, and we're all back at Quantico, we're going to help you get through this. Past the drinking, past the harming, and we're going to help you get better. All of us, as a family. I promise." He stood up and hugged me, chucking their now-empty beer bottles in the bin.

"Thanks Morgan, you really have no idea how good it feel to be able to just unload to someone. Now, on a slightly more important note, its time you told dear sweetly devilish Penny how you feel." I grinned, bouncing back from her previous teary expression. I felt a million times lighter, like everything I had ever worried about had just dissolved and I felt...good, ready to face the events of tomorrow with a smile on my face. When I was younger, I was a total optimist. It was natural to me, and somehow, after years of hiding away myself, it was re-emerging.

"Nu-uh woman, you are not bringing me and baby girl up, and you are not playing match-maker." He grinned cheekily back, waggling a finger like I was a small child.

"Come on, everyone can tell you guys are meant to be, just go for it already!" I persisted, tugging on his blue formal shirt as we headed towards my door.

"Maybe oneday, for now, you need to sleep." He said, kissing my forehead lightly. I opened the door and Morgan bounced out as I pretended to aim a kick at his butt. I could see Spencer poking his head out of his room, searching for the cause of the commotion, and I smiled at him sweetly. He closed his door and padded over to my doorway, his lanky frame slipping through the open door I left him. He closed the door and slipped over to where I was putting away the tequila.

"Have you been shotting with Derek?" he asked softly, his eyes filled with concern and a hint of sadness. I instantly felt guilty. How couldn't I, when he used the puppy-dog brown eyes I loved so much on me?

"To correct you, I had one shot with myself and a beer with Derek, handsome. Why, you jealous?" I teased.

"Just a tad" he replied, clearing his throat.

"You shouldn't be, you know I only want you" I replied with a cheeky grin. He didn't know where her suddenly light attitude had come from, but he loved his side of her. He sidled over to me and wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing my lips tenderly. I sighed softly and entangled my fingers in his hair gently. I loved the feeling of his soft brown locks against my fingers; it was one of those heavenly kinds of feelings that made me warm inside. "Genius, I need to sleep, I'm exhausted, mentally and emotionally. Feel free to stay?" I said as I pulled back the blankets on the double bed. I slipped between them, the satin of my boxers sliding smoother than the slightly rougher cotton of my singlet. He moved in under the duvet as well and we fell asleep spooning, Spence crooning delicate French phrases into my ear.

You make me understand how wonderful it is for little lizards when they find that one special rock that's perfect for sunning themselves on. You make me lizard-happy. **Randy K. Milholland**

_A/N the Second: PLEASE remember to REVIEW! It takes about two seconds and your feedback is greatly needed. Thanks _


	17. Chapter 15: Bastards and Beaches

A/N: So, another long-awaited update. I found this chapter really hard to write, but I was pleased with how it turned out. Thankfully, the next chunk is already written up so won't be facing problems like long waits again. However, I'm going on camp for a week with no internet access, so there will be another update in about 8 days. Also, I know that there has been much (warranted) concern over the age of Nikita and the date in which this fiction is set. I'm sorry for the confusion and if I could go back and edit the chapters, I would fix it, but alas I can't, so here it is.

Nikita D.O.B. 9th August 1987

This fiction is set present day.

Thankyou for your patience with my plot holes. And now, on with the chapter

_Chapter 15: Bastards and Beaches._

_I always wanted a happy ending... Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end._

_- Gilda Radner_

The batter swings and the summer flies  
As I look into my angel's eyes  
A song plays on while the moon is high over me  
Something comes over me

I guess we're big and I guess we're small  
If you think about it man you know we got it all  
Cause we're all we got on this bouncing ball  
And I love you free  
I love you freely

_The Riddle by Five For Fighting._

Hotch sat in his hotel room the next morning, mulling over the events of the past few days. He had known Gideon's reappearance would be an awkward issue; he had just underestimated to what extent. Reid barely spoke when Gideon was in the room, Morgan shot looks of contempt whenever possible and Emily could barely politely incline her head when he opened doors and such. Years tailing her ambassador mother had taught her something, at least. Garcia had come with them for the trip, and it seemed as though she couldn't make up her mind as to whether she was happy to see him again or sad that he had left. Nikita had been cautious at first, gradually warming to the older agent. Rossi and Gideon had known each other for 'too long' as they so aptly described it. They bickered like an old married couple, Rossi the main antagonist. He didn't agree with Gideon's methods and Gideon didn't agree with Rossi's. Hotch shook his head slowly as he filed towards the bathroom for his morning shower. JJ was treating him exactly how she would treat any member of the team. As for Gideon himself? Hotch couldn't remember the last time he had seen the man look so care-free. If he was honest with himself, Reid seemed to be taking his one-case reappearance the hardest, as was to be expected. When Gideon had left, Reid had lost the closest thing he had to a father.

The team met in the conference room of the small police department they were working out of. Reid sat on the opposite side of the room to Gideon and astutely avoided eye contact.

"What do we know?" Gideon announced as the last of the team filed into the room.

"We know that Peter is hiding out, probably waiting for the right opportunity to further lure Nikita to him. We know that what he wants is to take her, and he'll keep killing friends and relatives until he can." Emily quickly summed up what we profiled was Peter's goal in all this. He wanted the one he couldn't have. After my session with Morgan last night, I was feeling calmer about the whole thing. Hopefully, after today, the nightmare could be over, and I could find some peace. Well, as much peace is possible when working a job like this.

"Morgan, JJ, Nikita, you guys go and talk to the brother, Edward, and see if he knows where Peter is staying. If you suspect he's hiding Peter, bring him in. I want this over with, today." Hotch expressed, nodding his head at each of his team, acknowledging them as he spoke their names. "Gideon, Reid, Prentiss and I will stay here and monitor the tip-line and check in with the cops on protection detail. Nobody goes anywhere alone. Garcia I want you to check his account activity again, in case it's been active since last night." Hotch stopped for a second, making sure he had remembered everything. "Alright, let's move out"

We arrived at Edward's flat and jumped out of the SUV. The Australian sun was hot on our backs as we walked towards the depilated property. I chanced a look around, and in nearly five years nothing much had changed. Still the same wreck of a car in the driveway, still the same dirty walls, the same old shoes on the porch. As Edward opened the door to our persistent knocks, he even still smelt like old spice desperately poured on to try and cover over the smell of his unwashed body.

"Edward Johnson, this is the FBI, it's about your brother. Mind if we come in." Morgan said, eyebrows raised slightly. Johnson turned away from the door, leaving it open. As we filed in, I noticed JJ and Morgan wrinkle their noses slightly. The house was dirty, clothing and dishes tossed around the place with little care. I was used to it. Edward and I had never been particularly close; we hadn't even met until Peter had started abusing me. There had been almost a look of appreciation on his face at the bruises on my arms and face. That look had haunted me. It had given me the creeps for months afterwards. I knew that no matter how lovely their parents were, and they were, there was a monster that lurked beneath the surfaces of their sons.

"Have you been contacted by Peter?" JJ asked firmly once we stood in something that I suppose was meant to look like a living room. The grimy walls reflected the gloomy mood of the house. The whole place stank of alcohol; the harsh burning smell tickled my nose.

"Gave me a call the other day, s'bout it. If he was fucking smart, he'd stay put." Edward said grumpily, tossing himself onto the dirty couch.

"Where would he stay put? If you know where he is, and aren't telling us, I can have you charged." I spieled, walking towards him slowly.

"Whoa lady...wait..." he frowned slowly, giving me a once over with his bloodshot eyes. "Nikita?"

"Long time, no see. It's been good." I retorted.

"Wow, you grew up hotter than you were before." He replied, a repulsive leer on his face. Disgusted, I strode up to him and pulled him by his shoulders off the couch. I pushed him around and cuffed him.

"We'll see how 'hot' I am after I've chucked you behind bars for obstructing a federal investigation." I snarled, giving his handcuffs an extra jolt, pulling his arms back further.

"Okay, okay, simmer down Nikita," Morgan said, putting a calming hand on my elbow. I shot him a look but released the extra tension I held on Edward's cuffs.

"Yeah, yeah, listen to him, I'll tell yah what yah want, just chill." Edward tried looking at me over his shoulder and I unlocked the steel bracelets. He turned around, rubbing his wrists and planted himself back on the couch.

"He's staying at that apartment you and him were going to buy," he waved a hand at me, "It's...um...57? No, 58 Vermont Avenue on the GC."

An hour later, the team was grouped by the door, strapping on bulletproof vests.

"Reid, Prentiss, Morgan, you guys go in the front door, Nikita, Rossi and I will go in the back. Let's move." Hotch ordered us around quickly and we filed around to our designated entrances. I put an ear to the door and I could hear the front door being breached. I twisted to handle to no avail, so I stood back and Hotch quickly kicked it open. I lithely stepped in first and swung my gun left and right, clearing the hallway. Then a strong arm wrapped around my neck and all I could think is how he still smelt the same.

Rossi jumped up the few small steps and walked in, gun raised, to see Nikita being held against the unsub, shielding his body from gunfire with her gun in his hands. Peter backed into the central room, gun still firmly pressed against my forehead.

"Do you remember hunny? Remember how we were going to make this the lounge room, with a window seat for you to read, floor to roof bookshelves...REMEMBER!" he pulled against my neck tighter, making me gasp for breath. Spencer, Prentiss and Morgan had cleared the front rooms and walked in to see the scene unfolding before him. All Spencer could process was that that...MAN had his arms wrapped around his girl. He was hurting her. Nobody hurt his girl.

"And this!" Peter turned to kick open one of the other doors, "THIS was going to be our NURSERY! For our KIDS! But NO! Frigid bitch!"

A tear ran down my cheek, and I cast my eyes wildly around, seeing spots from my reduced oxygen intake. I could feel the cold steel of the pistol against the flesh of my temple and I knew it was all over. I didn't want my life to be over so soon. I had so much left to experience, so much of life left to live. My eyes caught Spencer's and I knew I couldn't give in. I lifted my foot and stomped on his shoe. He stumbled for a moment, releasing me, and all I could hear was gunfire originating from somewhere on my right. I felt to the floor, trying to gather my wits about me. I could feel hands on me and I spun quickly, panicking. I could see Morgan's worried face and I allowed myself to be pulled into his arms and onto my feet. I stepped out of his hug and shook myself. I looked for him and caught his eyes, concerned. I walked over to him, but trying to catch his attention, but he seemed in deep thought.

"It's almost a poetical justice, that I kill your past lover," he said softly, his gaze finally turning to me. His brown eyes searched my hazel ones and a half-smile appeared on his face.

"Nearly finished!" Emily's voice called through the door to JJ and Garcia. It was the day after they had closed Peter Johnson's case and the next flight to the United States didn't leave until tomorrow. So, the team were going to take a day to immerse themselves in Australian culture, guided by Nikita. Since it was the middle of summer, they were off to do the only logical thing: go to the beach.

I met the team in the lobby, in a purple sundress with my hair untied. It was the first time anyone but Spencer had seen me with my hair fully down, and the looks of shock were typical. I hadn't had a proper cut in many years, just a few trims on the way. It reached well past my waist. The girls we're all dressed similarly and Hotch looked very unusual dressed in board-shorts and a t-shirt. My gaze found my enraptured genius and I must admit, I was glad to be going in the cool ocean after the warmth I felt at seeing him dressed the way he was. I mean, I got many digs out of his velvet jackets and cords, but board-shorts and a black t-shirt were a nice change. We walked a couple blocks to the well-populated beach and I grabbed Garcia's hand. Exchanging in a look what would have sounded stupid spoke, we squealed and ran down the sand, allowing the warm grains to scorch our feet. The rest of the team filed down in relative dignity and by the time they got there, Garcia and I were already setting up beach chairs and towels. Slipping off my sandals, I pulled the sundress off over my head, revealing a purple bikini. I stood, waiting partially for the girls to be finished undressing and partially enjoying the thorough checking out I was receiving from both Spence and Morgan. Garcia playfully slapped Morgan's arm as she slipped out of her yellow maxi-dress and his attention shifted dramatically. In his opinion, her curves were in all the right places.

"Hunny, I know I'm gorgeous, but if you want me all wet, you're going to have to move something other than your eyes" I joked, poking my tongue out at Spencer. He jolted awkwardly into movement, mumbling something that sounded like an apology. Emily and JJ were in silent giggles, and even Rossi and Hotch looked amused. Spence pulled off his shirt and for once I was the speechless one.

"When you're finished..." Spence trailed off, offering me his hand. I blushed and once again poked my tongue out at him. Ignoring the offered hand, I simply skipped towards the waves and he followed, like a puppy on a leash.

"He, my friend, is thoroughly whipped. She has him around her finger good and solid." Rossi said in an aside to Hotch as he dropped his bag and shirt. Emily sighed appreciatively as Hotch finally finished putting his stuff on his towel and they strolled together towards the waves. Her deep red bikini accentuated some of her finer physical features, and Hotch was proud, for the thousandth time, that she was his. At first, Penny and Morgan just made sand castles on the beach as she tanned and talked. That was, until he tickled her so she fell into their carefully constructed castle and both got covered in sand. It was as though a huge weight had been lifted from the team, and I definitely felt lighter than I had for years. We spent many hours enjoying ourselves on the beach that day, including pretending to ignore when Emily and Hotch disappeared for an hour or two. I took them to the best ice-cream bar on the coast and all in all, it was the best celebration I had ever had. Maybe, just maybe, everything would be fine now. Normal. Beautiful.

_Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly._

_Rose Franken_


	18. Chapter 16: Libraries

_A/N: hello my pretties! Back for one chapter of fluff and happiness (sort of) before more major plot action and angst! WAAA! Please review, that little button loves you almost as much as I love reviews. Sorry it's a bit later than expected! Also, be looking out for a new future multi-chap from me too, not giving too much away but it's quite different from this one _

Chapter 16: The Library

Every man dies. Not every man really lives.  
William Wallace

Song: If My Heart Was A House by Owl City

_Chills run down my spine  
As our fingers entwine  
And your sighs harmonize with mine_

Unmistakably  
I can still feel your heart beat fast  
When you dance with me

Circle me and the needle  
Moves gracefully back and forth  
If my heart was a compass, you'd be north  
Risk it all  
'Cause I'll catch you if you fall wherever you go  
If my heart was a house, you'd be home

As the team wearily boarded the plane from California to Virginia, there was an air of expectation, of promise, in the cabin. They were headed home. Home to their families, friends, pets, own beds...it felt good to be headed back to familiarity. Reid initially sat across from me, his feet playing footsies with mine as we discussed the finer points of Chekov's plays in relation to the theatrical concept of naturalism. Despite the apparent interest he had in the subject, Reid's eyes constantly flicked to the other side of the plane, to his former mentor and father figure.

"What's the story with you two?" I asked suddenly, disbanding our intellectual discussion.

"With whom?" he replied distractedly, his eyes fixed on Gideon.

"With you and Gideon, what happened?" I waved a hand vaguely in his direction.

"Nothing" he replied, leaning back into his chair, his eyes unreadable.

"Well, it's obviously something. Your feelings of betrayal and abandonment are all too clear."

"He left, Nikita, he just left"

"Some people, they just can't take the pressure of the job. It just gets too much for them." I placed a hand softly on his, my eyes sympathetic. "Have you tried talking to him about it?"

"I wouldn't know what to say..."

"Garunteed something will come to mind" I gave him a small smile and took my hand off his. "Go, before he disappears and you lose the chance to ever speak to him again." I took out a book and promptly turned my attention to Miranda's plight for freedom from The Collector. Despite its association with many serial killers, I found The Collector by John Fowles extremely interesting and engaging, even though this was the 34th time I had read it.

Reid got up and gawkily walked on the moving plane to the spare seat across from the retired profiler.

"Talented lady you got there, convincing you to finally speak to me" Gideon remarked as he put down his novel and removed his glasses.

"She's a great agent" Reid replied guardedly.

"And a wonderful partner, I'm sure. I'd assume you found my letter?"

"I-I did" Reid cleared his throat, his speech pausing.

"You, you're strong, incredibly intelligent, loyal, you are able to cope with this..." Gideon indicated vaguely to the plane with his hand, "world. I wasn't. After Sarah, I just couldn't do this anymore. It killed me to leave the way I did, but I don't think I could have emotionally done it any other way. I beg of you to understand that I wasn't abandoning you because of who you were; I just couldn't live this life anymore."

"I...I guess I ju-just could never really grasp how you could just...lose your focus so easily. Then...I met Nikita, then you showed up and I realised something. After Henkel, I couldn't focus properly because of what happened to me, but when I realised how I felt for Nikita...if she was-was killed, I wouldn't be able to do this anymore either. You loved Sarah, when Frank took her away...I guess what I'm trying to say is that...I understand. I forgive you."

"Good to know that you only got smarter without me" Gideon said with a smile.

"Would...would I be able to call you every once in a while? Let you know how I'm going...?" Reid gave Gideon an uncertain smile.

"Of course" Gideon picked up his glasses and novel and resumed his pensive reading.

Reid and I jumped in his blue vintage car and turned up the heat. After staying in the extremely hot temperatures of Australia, the mild winter chill felt freezing against their exposed faces. Five For Fighting drifted softly from the radio as Reid sat quiet and pensive on the ride home. I stared out the window at the cold, lonely night. He pulled up at my apartment block and parked in my unused car spot.

"Any plans?" I asked him casually, the barest hint of a smile. I was desperately hoping that his interest in me wouldn't just disappear, now that I was no longer a damsel in distress, in need of fixing.

"Nothing" Reid replied with a half smile, "You?"

"I was going to set up my library. The construction crew finished work on the bookshelves before we left for Australia and I'm sick of having to rip open boxes to get the books I want. I could use a hand if you want to stick around?" I offered casually, hiding the desire I felt to be in his company. He was enrapturing, enticing yet he had no clue at all.

"Couldn't think of anything I'd rather do" he replied sweetly as he opened his door, got out, walked around the car and opened mine while I was attempting to grab my handbag from the back seat. I shot him a grateful smile and his warm hand found my ice cool one. "You're hands are freezing!"

"I've always had poor circulation" I chatted back as we walked to my door. I opened it and turned back to him. "Food?" I offered as I turned on the light and walked towards the kitchen.

"Coffee and cookies would be nice," he shot me a puppy-eyed look. I laughed at the childish-ness of his request. "What?"

"Nothing" I smiled with residual humour, grabbing the chocolate chip cookies from the pantry and turning on the espresso machine. Eventually we made our way to the upstairs room. Spencer opened the door to the room, turned on the light switch and was faced with a much different scene than the one he saw a few weeks back. A crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling instead of a bare bulb, the boxes of books had been piled together in the middle of the room and roof to floor bookshelves had been constructed around three of the walls. There was a gap in the shelving of one of the walls, where the night sky was visible through medium sized glass panes. The fourth wall was painted a deep red and furniture boxes accompanied the mountains of books.

"Okay, so maybe a mammoth task, but its only 7pm" I said quickly. "If we unload, organise the books and get them onto the bookshelves by 8:30 or 9, then the furniture will be easy to place. I'm looking forward to seeing the finished product." I was highly excited, as my library was the one part of my apartment I was most entranced by in all my imaginings years ago of my dream place. We set to work, chatting about various authors, genres, books and series' we liked and ones we didn't. Rather than a traditional dewy decimal system, I was very particular about how I arranged my books. It was almost dichotomous. First, split into fiction and non-fiction, then subject areas were arranged alphabetically, then authors within those subject areas were also arranged in an alphabetical system. It seems strange, but it is the only way I ever know how to find my books. By 8:30 pm, the books were mostly arranged on the shelves and an empty pizza box was added to the growing number of empty book boxes. We stood back to admire our handiwork. It was as though we had created a child, with love and care and effort. There were 3 empty rows of shelving on the bottom of each bookshelf, but I was sure they would soon be filled.

"To the furniture?" Reid asked, cocking an eyebrow at me.

"To the furniture" I affirmed, pulling apart the closest box. My colour theme may have raised some doubts amongst stylists in the store I ordered from, but I loved it. After a few moments, we had revealed a deep, dark blue shag rug, a red velvet couch to match the wall, a redwood desk and chair, a teak coffee table, two dark blue armchairs to match the carpet, two smaller teak tables to put between the armchairs and on one side of the couch, two red lamps and one dark blue lamp. It was an eclectic design, but it had elegance and flair. By the time we moved around the furniture and took a step back, the effect was stunning. The furniture in the centre of the room was vibrant and vogue, the desk against the feature wall with the dark blue lamp broke up the overwhelming red without taking away from its attraction and the carefully placed diplomas, awards, newspaper articles and photos added character to the wall.

"You should have become an interior designer" Spence commented jokingly as he kissed the top of my forehead.

"I love it too" I sighed contentedly. "You take the first shower, I'll do some reading" I wandered over to the bookshelf, grabbed out an old favourite and settled down onto the sumptuous couch. I opened the well worn and familiar cover of Player Piano by Kurt Vonnegut and traced the beginning words I knew all too well. '_Ilium, New York, is divided into three parts...' _I became absorbed in the utopian world painted vividly through words by Vonnegut so much so that I didn't feel or hear Spencer's presence until he plopped down next to me, causing me to jump.

"Sorry to frighten you" he apologised softly.

"Haha, it's ok, I got a little preoccupied" I replied as I got up, grabbed a bookmark from the pile and dropped the book onto the coffee table. I made my shower quick; absorbing the pounding warmth from what little hot water was left. Afterwards, I slithered into trackies and a Dr Sues sleeping shirt and poured two flutes of celebratory champagne. I trekked back up the stairs and into the library, handing Spence one of the glasses and chinking it. I noticed a second book mark in my book and laughed silently. It was much further through than mine. I cuddled up against him, sipping the bubbly liquid. Putting my glass down, I turned and kissed him softly, savouring the flavour of his lips and my champagne. I pulled him by his shirt and he followed willingly, falling gently over me. Our lips tangled with a fiery passion that left us both breathless. I slept soundly that night, not a nightmare or a murmur, other than the soft mutterings of Spencer next to me, cuddling my side under the duvet of my bed. His soft whispering of my name in his sleep, in his dreams, was sweeter than any lullaby.

You can design and create, and build the most wonderful place in the world. But it takes people to make the dream a reality.  
~ Walt Disney


End file.
